Coffee

Phonecalls, deadlines, emails

The constant beeping of

one machine or another

Text messages or meetings

Lots of people to meet

Even more people to be

The names are dropped

Secret handshakes in the backroom

To-do lists extended

Late nights; early mornings

I want to be a black hoodie

Dark sunglasses

Running free and nameless

An inconsequential member

of the human race

With little in the way of

 identifying characteristics

And that “anonymous” type of face

No time to indulge in fantasies

Where’s my coffee?

Red lipstick, black suit

a knack for running in heels

Phone and neck attachments

Shoulders constantly creeping upward

Ravens circling over my head

But no matter; only time for

Conference calls and deliberations

Too forward focused

Balance failing; dark circles

More wrinkles

Shrug responsibilities

In all the ways you know you won’t

Wanderlust escape artist

A knack for running barefoot

Through sunny beaches

I want to be an endless Sunday morning

Reading quiet with dog at feet

Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me

Kettle warming

For my chamomile tea

Validation sought

Over “I’m just too busy…”

Overextensions 

Acting out accordingly

When’s the last time

I saw my family?

I gotta run, I gotta get this done

Forfeiting personal needs

For the sake of each company

Don’t keep much company

No real company

When’s the last time you were held?

Like, really?

No matter now,

Where’s my coffee?

Where’s my coffee?

Resolution

Be less despondent

More warm-hearted

P A T I E N C E

Don’t take it personally

Be less self conscious

Make peace with the uncertainty

Let it go

Stop controlling

Write more

Talk less

Work harder

Play everyday

Dream bigger
Be fierce
Be friendly

Slowly slowly

Practice daily

Less arrogance

More acceptance

Kill the ego

Breathe deeper

Push yourself more

Rest more often

Let it go

Turn off the television

Give thanks

Pray all day

Fill up on love

Be less angry

Let yourself cry

Be strong enough

Practice mindfulness

Sink into the pose

Don’t try so hard

Let things flow

Read more books

Listen attentively

Be present

Let it go
Turn off your cell phone

Spend more time outside

Listen to your body

Respect your elders

Let them come

Be the change

Become the teacher

Set the example

Tell the truth

Show kindness

Embody compassion

Look beyond yourself

Know self sacrifice

Dig through your darkness

Embrace your weakness

Hug more people

See the good

Challenge yourself

Widen your perception

Evolve.

Almost

I.              Jonathan

You get my cheesy jokes
You say exactly what I was just thinking
No need to explain my strange tangents on the state of the world’s affairs
Or how I woke up one morning and decided to chop off my hair
That I decided just last night that I was going to India solo
And maybe Tibet if I have time

And whenever we’re together they have to stifle our laughter
You recognize me the same way rare birds know each other
You feel to me like family

If you were to ask me straight I’d own up to it
Fantasizing about events that could never happen
My hands haven’t been looking so clean
But yours have that strong nobility; pristine
What I love about you is why we could never be

This is me not noticing your expressions
A vague little smile and an extra spark in your eyes
Every time you come close enough to look into mine
We are a quiet conversation lingering in the cold
We are a tinge of sadness every time one of us has to go
We are behaving well; doing what we are told
We are all potential and never any follow through
We are subtle insinuations with a touch of flirtation
We are a goodbye hug five seconds too long

II.             Amir

You rounded the curves of the mountain 

so intimately and with such speed that

my heart was racing

We went deep into the forest

then deep within ourselves 

We undressed in rivers so clear

each pebble had a distinct color 

We saw bears and leaping squirrels

made peace with spiders and hiked up inclines

I liked you the best when

you climbed down the waterfall 

Some teenager needed to prove his salt

compared to you and followed you down  

I sat on top of the waterfall

snapping photos of you with your phone

We were quiet together

staring up at the stars

we didn’t talk about us or tomorrow

or what life would be like back in Chicago

I said I thought I should be alone for a while

and you said that only right now mattered

We packed our things silently

as though we’d worked as a team forever

I was the morning’s joyful daughter

you were eyes wide open, night owl

I rounded the curves of the mountain 

the way a man knows his way around a woman

the moment felt surreal and serene 

Our minds both blank now focused on the green

of God’s leaves and the rich reds of the cliffs

we’d climbed and pass too soon.  

III.            Ismael

I wanted to show you

Every poem I’d ever written

I wanted to explore every freckle

On your body

I wanted to sit with you

In your ocean of sadness

Like a life raft

I wanted to make you dinner

Then make you laugh

I wanted to challenge you

Push you further into

Your own self-exploration

I wanted to support everything

You’ve ever wanted for yourself

I wanted you to meet me halfway

I still think of you

While clinging to “someday”

When we’re both grown

When we’re both settled

But nothing’s ever done

And nothing’s ever perfect

You still don’t deserve

All that I still want to give you

And I still don’t care

Does that make me a masochist?

IV.           Phillip

I accidentally kissed you

I didn’t realize it really or intend to

You were slightly shocked and stuttering

Before changing the subject completely

I was all smiles with no expectations

I watch the way you move on stage

You are all open hips and an open heart

No inhibitions or false sense of self

Never met anyone with so much charm

It’s sudden and seductive in unexpected ways

There are many other women, I’m sure

Normally I’d care, but I don’t

I’m just here to say hello

A quiet confident curiosity

Share some space and time before I have to go

And that’s enough for now

V.            You

The first in a series of future “to be continueds”

A neverending ellipse

Of yet unsaid sentences…

We Live in Public

For the past few years I've gone to a documentary film festival called the True False Film Festival in Columbia, Missouri.

In 2009, I was introduced to a powerful documentary about the future of this digital landscape we live in called We Live in Public.  In the film, the protagonist, Josh Harris, a dot-com visionary who has been penned the “Nostradamus of the internet,” creates an experiment where dozens of volunteers in New York City live underground for an entire year with food, alcohol, living quarters and even a firing range all provided to them.  The catch is that everything they do is videotaped – from their showers to their sex lives.  These brave souls agreed to be filmed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for an entire year.

Harris predicted sites like Facebook and Hulu before they ever existed.  In the film, Harris says “Years ago the lions and tigers were kings of the jungle and one day they wound up in zoos, I suspect we’re on the same track.”

I bring up this film because Harris, as crazy as he was (and oh, he was CRAZY) did have a point about the future of technology.  We currently DO live in public.  And, it’s not going away. 

Sure, you can choose to not participate in sites like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Linked In, Google Plus and the countless others I can name (wait, you’re reading my blog, right?) but when was the last time you googled something?  Ever notice how you were searching for some winter boots and then all of sudden you’re checking your Gmail account and an advertisement for winter boots comes up?  Very few people living in modern society can manage to live off the digital grid and frankly, I don’t think it’s such a horrible thing.

Social media has been blamed for many a scandal: political, business, personal etc. Yet, I have to wonder, being the optimist I am, what if we embraced living in public?  What if we aligned ourselves with those things that are honest and preserve the integrity to who we are as people?  What if we allowed our Facebook feeds and Twitter feeds to provide a glimpse into who that is and utilized these new mediums to form communities instead of feeding our ever growing narcissism? 

A social media professor once said, “If there is something that you say or do that you’d be ashamed of if it showed up online, then don’t do it and don’t say it.”  Shouldn’t we be doing that anyway?  Shouldn’t we strive to live good, ethical and honorable lives?  Is transparency so radical an idea?  We all are the first to fight for transparency when it comes to government funds and corporate board rooms, but what about ourselves?  What are we so afraid of?

We will make mistakes, quite possibly publicly, but maybe instead of judging others so harshly for their mistakes we will learn to be more empathetic and understanding of one another.

More about Harris here:

Trailer for the film:

Preserving Authenticity: as you are in anything is as you are in everything

Aside from writing poetry and practicing yoga, I have a career I very much treasure and enjoy.

When I was younger in my career I believed everything was easily categorized and could neatly fit into a box.  If I was going to work in business I needed to BE business in the narrow-minded way I saw it to be: this rigid, cold, rule-abiding clear-cut thing.  After all, I was born in the 1980s where everything was marketed to me in a neat package since inception.

I spent years feeling conflicted because I am not clear cut.  I am a mix of everything from the indigenous blood mixing with the Spanish blood in my veins to my attempts at perfecting eagle pose before a conference call to my ideas of a fun Friday night consisting of watching Shark Tank while working on a new drawing.

I wrote a rap song once (my alterego is simultaneously an MC folk singer) and one of the lines from it goes:
...but til then I'll face the struggle of living in square boxes
too many right angles don't fit my round face
but it's packaged and it's pretty and easy to place...

For too long I felt I'd have to sacrifice my creativity and all those marvelous things that make me me in order to become this great business leader that I wanted to be.

During this time I was the epitome of ambivalence: a bohemian creative type that wanted to take over the business world.  Who did I think I was?

That's precisely the best question I could have ever asked myself.  In reading a business article on leadership I came across this quote: How you do anything is how you do everything.

Business is coming of age.  It is recognizing that we as humans, employees, consumers are not this one-sided square thing.  Our motivations stem from a number of different factors: our relationships, societal norms and a sense of purpose.

And sometimes we do headstands...

My shifting consciousness on the state of business has guided me to this simple conclusion: find out who you are and be the best you you can be.  As you are in other aspects in life, you are in business.

I lived in the middle of the New Mexican desert surrounded by wolves to learn to be comfortable with always being uncomfortable.

I traveled all over the world (and counting) to understand and embody diversity.

I practice yoga because I am the greatest resource and ally I will ever have.

I listen to others because I'm a perpetual student fortunate enough to view everyone as a teacher.

I write my life lessons down because I believe in sharing.

In business, I am all of this: the risk taker, a holistic thinker, transparent, the student, the teacher, the people person who strives for connectivity in all she does.  I'm not only my title at my company.  I am guided by purpose in all things because as I am in yoga I am in business and as I am in business I am as a friend.  How you do anything is how you do everything.

Fear, Headstands and Snuggling up to Dragons

What do I fear?  What am I so afraid of?  I tried kicking up into a headstand in the center of the room half paralyzed with this “fear” thing and half completely self-aware that everyone was watching me. 

When people think about yoga they don’t necessarily consider it a daring sport, to say the least, yet, in so many ways it’s the most daring of all because it pushes you to know your greatest ally and your biggest enemy: yourself.

I’d been going to the studio regularly for a couple of months before I picked up Ana Forrest’s book, Fierce Medicine.  Ana Forrest is a contemporary yoga teacher and founder of a specific practice called Forrest Yoga.  With combined expertise in overcoming trauma, psychology and physical therapy Forrest developed a style of yoga that is both physically and emotionally rigorous. 

Forrest Yoga is a transformative experience that pushes the practitioner into a deeper awareness and understanding of his or her own psyche in a “fiercer” way than many other styles of yoga.  Forrest pushes you to keep going the moment you’re ready to sink into Child’s Pose.  Forrest pushes you to fully experience the burning in your legs during Warrior II and not to stop until you can feel that euphoric sweet spot. 

It’s no surprise that much about this practice has to do with courage and being brave of heart, but first, back to my headstand.

I’d never done a headstand before and here I was in front of all of my fellow teacher trainees in the center of the room in one.  It felt like a long time, though I’m sure I was only in it for a few seconds.  Inversions are often the scariest poses in yoga.  They literally turn your world upside down and all of your weight is balanced on your head.  You may fear that all the delicate muscles in your neck will break or perhaps that you just carry too much weight around to begin with.  My mouth tasted bitter, not quite like the iron when you bite your tongue too hard, but metallic.  My mouth tasted like fear.

Forrest says, “We have a lot of internal responses to fear.  We push it away, we deny it, we freeze, or attack (fight or flight syndrome). But there are alternate ways to responding to fear.”  Forrest’s preferred method is to go hunting for it until she finds the root of it and instead of “slaying the dragon,” she cuddles up to it and allies with it.

This, of course, is the furthest thing from my mind.  I felt the pressure on top of my head mounting.

Step 1: identify the fear.  Aside from the obvious (death from breaking my neck), I had always feared my own body.  I remembered hiking with one of my boyfriends in the dead of winter.  We crossed a river with very thin ice and had to jump huge rocks to get to the other side.  It took him all of 3 minutes to cross, jumping confidently from rock to rock.  It took me what seemed like an hour with a lot of encouragement from him on the other side. 

“Trust yourself,” my teacher whispered.  I had stopped shaking.  “Good, good now squeeze my hand.”  She had her hand between my thighs and I began to feel that burning sensation and my core strengthening through the pose.  The weight on my head lessened.

Step 2: Turn around, hunt it, stalk it.  Forrest says, “Fear is a signal.  Be alert.  Get vigilant.  It wasn’t that long ago that other humans or predators hunted us.  This means you have to take action.  You can’t just sit and meditate your problems away; many meditators become my students because their abuse or rage doesn’t go away by meditation alone.  It does teach you how to get steady though.  So get steady and now go out hunting.”

In Forrest Yoga, it’s not enough to have awareness of a trauma that happened to you that you now feel in the tightness of your hips, no, one has to be able to chase that trauma out of one’s body.  One has to be able to not back down when you’re in a pose and suddenly your breathing is shallow but take the courageous path to breathe in deeper and keep digging and once it surfaces get cozy with it.

Step 3: Stop making decisions based on fear.  This is one I’ve taken off the mat more than others through reading this book.   Forrest says, “…when I respond from that fearful or panicky place, 99 percent of the time I end up making terrible decisions…The hero’s choice is to disobey the dictates of the fear.”

When one chooses to not obey those dictates of fear, it’s empowering.  It’s as Forrest puts it, “the brave-hearted path.”  She says, “It takes a lot of courage to explore your fear.  Courage isn’t the numbed out, flinty, Clint Eastwood-esq stoicism we’re accustomed to, but instead it’s daring to experience our feelings-even if this requires painful awakening- with discernment and intelligence.”

Step 4: Find the healing within the fear.  How does one exactly do this?  What does my fear of heights say about me?  Does it say that perhaps I fear reaching new levels of success or perhaps I fear my potential or maybe I fell from a tree when I was a child?  How will snuggling up to that fear make me a better person? 

Fear is a very powerful thing when you think about it.  When you make the choice to not make any decisions based on fear you begin to realize how much it may dictate in your life, such as whether you talked to that cute guy at the cafe or not (fear of rejection) or whether you stated exactly what you thought in a business meeting (fear of communicating your truth).  Then you dig deeper.  You realize you fear your own honesty and you fear others not validating you as a person.  Dig deeper.  Maybe you never felt worthy as a child or maybe that one time you told the truth before things went wrong.

Now, what happens when that scary dragon of unworthiness creeps into my life?  How do I shift my reaction from fear to something else, and what is that something else?  Forrest has a unique approach to this: “Once you’ve faced your dragon, your next task is to ally with it.  Don’t kill the beast, you fool, because that’s your power!  This is the archetypal hero’s quest: you’ll meet the dragons and demons and fight and fight and fight them until you finally get the treasure.  Then you’ll depart that quest   irrevocably changed, with that treasure a part of you.  Every time you stalk your fear and choose life instead of oblivion, you’ll begin to reclaim the parts of you that have been blocked off.”

Step 5: Snuggle up to your fear: maybe this means confronting headstand head on (pun intended).  Maybe I won’t be able to get into headstand on my own for a while, but I’m still trying and that’s a win.  For me, snuggling up to my fear means trying even though it’s not perfect and I have to sacrifice my autonomy on the mat to go there for the moment.  Learning to be in the moment and confronting fears like turning your world upside down might be enough of a win for today. 

“I’d believed that in order to do what I was afraid of, I had to get rid of the fear first, but that turned out to be only an idea, not the truth.  You have to do something two hundred times before the fear will disperse.  Are you still afraid of something?  Just do it again.  Do it again.  Do it again.” – Ana T. Forrest

Dejame Que Me Calle con el Silencio Tuyo

Me Gustas Cuando Callas Me gustas cuando callas  porque estas como ausente, y me oyes desde lejos,  y mi voz no te toca. Parece que los ojos  se te hubieran volado y parece que un beso te cerrara la boca. Como todas las cosas estan llenas de mi alma emerges de las cosas,  llena del alma mia. Mariposa de sueno,  te pareces a mi alma, y te pareces a la palabra melancolia. Me gustas cuando callas  y estas como distante. Y estas como quejandote,  mariposa en arrullo. Y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te alcanza: dejame que me calle  con el silencio tuyo. Dejame que te hable  tambien con tu silencio claro como una lampara,  simple como un anillo. Eres como la noche,  callada y constelada. Tu silencio es de estrella,  tan lejano y sencillo. Me gustas cuando callas  porque estas como ausente. Distante y dolorosa  como si hubieras muerto. Una palabra entonces,  una sonrisa bastan. Y estoy alegre,  alegre de que no sea cierto. -Pablo Neruda

I Like You When You Are Quiet I like you when you are quiet  because it is as though you are absent, and you hear me from far away,  and my voice does not touch you. It looks as though your eyes had flown away and it looks as if a kiss had sealed your mouth. Like all things are full of my soul You emerge from the things,  full of my soul. Dream butterfly,  you look like my soul, and you look like the word: melancoly I like you when you are quiet  and it is as though you are distant. It is as though you are complaining,  butterfly in lullaby. And you hear me from far away,  and my voice does not reach you: let me fall quiet with your own silence. Let me also speak to you with your silence Clear like a lamp,  simple like a ring. You are like the night,  quiet and constellated. Your silence is of a star,  so far away and solitary. I like you when you are quiet  because it is as though you are absent. Distant and painful  as though you had died. A word then, a smile is enough. And I am happy,  happy that it is not true. -English translation of Pablo Neruda Poem