Your Next Bold Move

I was walking down my block after yoga class and I knew.  My bike had been locked up right in front of my house and immediately I thought I needed to lock it up in back.  I took a few steps closer and felt it – I knew it was gone.  Sure enough, as I approached my house it wasn’t there.  It was the final sign for me.  It was time to leave.

I guess I started contemplating moving a few months ago.  I had wanted to change around my apartment – something wasn’t feeling right.  Then I gave up on that idea and opted to just not come home, staying out late, events, drinks with friends or yoga every night etc.  I didn’t notice much considering that it’s not rare for me to be hyper-involved in various activities until I spent the weekend at my parents’ house and my mother made me an offer.

“Yenni, why don’t you come home so you can save money and be with the family?”  She asked.  Last time she made me that offer I laughed and said, “Are you kidding?  We’d kill each other!” Yet, there I sat, considering it for the first time in ten years.  The stolen bike was the last straw. 

I think I’m actually mature enough to move back home with my family.  Odd as that sounds, I really think I had to go through some intense growth to be able to feel excited at this prospect. 

I left home at 18 years old.  My mother and I both couldn’t wait for me to leave the house.   Between college, travels, boyfriends, jobs and adventures I managed to move 10 times in the past 10 years, finally settling in Pilsen, where I’ve lived alone for the past two and a half years.

In the decade I've spent away from home, I’ve howled with wolves in New Mexico, trekked the land of my ancestors, endured heartbreak, and climbed rungs of the business ladder among other amazing things that continue to fill me with a never-ending thirst for adventure and a smile. Today, I find myself in a different phase; one where I’m seeking a quiet self-exploration, but without the solitude I used to prefer. 

I’ve been attempting to incorporate more honesty into my life, especially honesty with myself.  As difficult as it is for me to admit: I need the support of my family now more than ever.  In these past ten years, I’ve seen a headstrong, idealistic and independent teenager grow into a full grown woman that thinks it might be nice to not have to work so hard to maintain her autonomy.  I want to spend time with my family.  I want to save money for my future adventures.  I want to come home to people that love me and care about me especially as I look forward to an arduous yoga teacher training for the next six months.

I’m really excited about moving back home.  I’m looking forward to reading all those books I’ve been meaning to in the backyard shaded by trees.  I can’t wait to spend nights throwing popcorn at my brother as we watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy (extended version of course) in succession.  I don’t think I’ll mind the dog jumping on the bed every morning to wake me.  I’m excited about all the home cooked meals my mama will make and am definitely looking to have some deep philosophical conversations with my father about life on some long walks through the forest.

My favorite LoTR character.

I believe this stage, this layover, this stop, this step, whatever you choose to call it, is necessary, and like most opportunities that present themselves in my life I will come through this a better, more inspired, happier and more peaceful Jen.

I still, however, really really miss my bike.  

Maybe...

Maybe she started eating meat after 13 years

Maybe she sold all of her furniture and the paintings too

Maybe she gave up coffee except for sometimes

Maybe she’s not who you thought she was

Maybe she gave away everything she worked hard to obtain

Maybe she understands that no one can really ever own anything

Maybe she’s ready to leave














Maybe she decided to get serious in the joyful way she’s serious about things
Maybe she’s really sorry for the damage done
Maybe she’s got her eye on the prize with a laser-like focus
Maybe she would still love to sing you to sleep
Maybe she knows moving forward means letting go of everything behind you
Maybe she thought of you while packing old pictures
Maybe she’s been feeling selfish lately
Maybe she wants to keep each moment to herself
Maybe she’s felt overexposed
Maybe she won't return your calls
Maybe she’s ready to put her Midwestern work ethic to the test
Maybe she’s breathing in life’s lessons

Maybe she’s learning to be patient
Maybe she’d be really happy to know you think of her sometimes
Maybe she needs to be alone for a while

Maybe she’s been feeling so damn grown lately
Maybe she’s done fucking around
Maybe she’s craving sobriety
Maybe the mountains did better for her than she thought
Maybe she had a moment of clarity
Maybe she’d forgive you

Maybe she’s been humbled
Maybe she could really use the support

Maybe she’s ready to be loved in ways she never let herself before

Maybe she’s learning to be honest with herself
Maybe she seeks truth in her actions
Maybe she’s learning honor and respect as verbs
Maybe she’s so different
Maybe she’s still the same, just evolving

How I Really Haven't Changed Much Since I Was 17...

I've been staying at my parents all weekend.  Every time I spend an extended period of time in this house I can't help but remember my childhood growing up here.  I revisit old books I loved so much I wore the spines out.  This past weekend I found my journal from when I was 17 years old - going on to my senior year in high school.

Let me just quote some of the ridiculousness here:

July 30, 2001
The world is fake and the reality becomes the superficiality of the world, but if perception is reality than is everything just some big illusion?  Is the world a lie?  There is corruption at all levels and I wonder where the honesty went and what happens when it's all gone.  Is it all gone?

Typical thoughts for a 17 year old kid...

Or this gem:

I wish there were no price for freedom.

 Really Jen?! This is hilarious.  Or how about quoting Catcher in the Rye (I can totally tell I was reading this book by my style of prose at this particular moment by the way):

It's funny.  All you have to do is say something nobody understands they'll practically do anything for you.  -J.D. Salinger

There's a shocking amount of things written about boys that I don't even remember.  This brings me some peace 10 years later knowing that the guy(s) that I crush on now I probably won't remember later.

So if you're wondering if I was always this intense, the answer is yes.  Also, reading this brought on a humbling realization that I haven't changed much.  I still talk about the existentialists and the fate and plight of humanity and of course, guys. Though, I'd like to think I'm slightly more optimistic in my philosophical approach these days.

Love is...

Love is…

     Happiness for you at meeting your new girlfriend

Love is…

     Finding the letter you wrote me and knowing that at least once in my life someone truly saw me

Love is…

     Knowing we walked heaven and hell together

Love is…

     Anger dissipating into nothingness

Love is…

     Respecting what we lived through together

Love is…

     Accepting that you were right some of the time

Love is…

     Gratitude for all that you taught me

Love is…

     Knowing that timing is everything 

Love is…

     Respecting that time, respecting that place

Love is…

     Letting it all go

Love is…

     Forgiving you for everything

Love is…

     Forgiving myself

Or, for those of us who may be a bit more cynical:

Exploring the Dark Side

“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.” 
― Hermann Hesse, Demian

I often think of this quote whenever I have a jarring encounter with someone.  I think of it when I get annoyed about something or during those moments where I look at someone and my inner critic comes out.  My darkness; my enemy, exists within me.  It’s a good lesson and one I’ve recently been encountering on the mat.

Often times yoga teachers say that when you don’t like a pose, you should figure out why – what does that pose bring up for you? What stored up memories, energy or junk is stored there?  Are you ready to let it go?  What sorts of thoughts go through your mind when you’re in the pose?  Why is this uncomfortable?  Why are you angry?  Where is the compassion for yourself?  Why aren’t you surrendering to the experience?

In general, when you have a strong reaction to something it has to do with you.  As Hesse writes, “what isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.”

So next time you’re in a difficult pose, frustrated by someone else or angry about something in someone’s personality, perhaps the lesson lies in looking inward. 

I borrowed this image from here.

I know, much easier said than done, but most things worth doing are.

The Chicago Project: Validation and Humility

This past weekend I went to King’s Spa with some girlfriends of mine.  King’s Spa is a Korean spa so for the first part of the experience you get completely nude in a room full of other women to enjoy a steam room, showers and hot tubs.

King's Spa 

My girlfriends came up naked and we all looked at each other for a moment before one friend said: look at us; we’re beautiful.  We – as a whole – not based on this superficial notion of beauty but based on our willingness to share this experience with each other.

That set the tone: validation.

My friend has this tattoo on her arm: it says: do not seek outside of yourself in Latin.  I pondered this as an array of different bodies walked past me.  Body-positive experiences are something I’ve been intentional about having lately starting with the naked bike ride and taking my next steps with my yoga practice.

Throughout the evening I pondered the notion of validation within our society and seeking it from external factors.  I’m very guilty of this – as we all are.  I seek validation from the men I keep in my back pocket to make me feel attractive or the books I read to prove my intellectual prowess and the social circles I maintain to show some sort of status. Still, I keep coming to the same conclusion:  when you lose the ego you feel no need to be validated by others.

Humility is honest; it’s vulnerable and damn it, it’s scary.  It’s sitting naked in a hot tub and feeling at peace.  It’s telling the truth even when it hurts you to do so.  It’s smiling at a stranger on the street with no expectation of receiving a smile or recognition in return.  It’s walking into a room with quiet confidence knowing you have nothing to prove. 

It’s also very hard work as we fight against our conditioning in this society.  The ego likes to keep one safe.  The ego keeps my sunglasses on as I follow the beat of my heels hitting pavement attuned to my ipod making no human connections walking down my street.  The genuine me, however, wants to be honest, vulnerable and notice how lonely everyone really is and say, it’s okay, look at us; we’re beautiful.

Freedom Prayer

Feel the itch to

Shed some old skin

Live in the transformation

Let the Serpent back in

Watch as it coils around you

Until you can’t breathe

Your bones begin to crack

While your gender, age, height, race…

Those defining characteristics

Begin to deconstruct as your body condenses

Wrapped in the coils tight

The Serpent then begs the question

Of your identity

Before swallowing you whole

You’d be surprised just how seductive

That kiss of death could be

It strikes at you quickly

Without warning

Leaving you forever changed

The old you was far too safe

Too boring

Death comes in to set you free

Pray.

I am not my body

I am not my past

I am not my religion

I am not my sex

I am not my eyes

I am not my university

I am not my career

I am not my family
I am not even my poetry

If you could only remember

Death sits behind your left shoulder

What’s worth fighting for?

What’s left to cling to?

Comes a time

That you just can’t carry it around anymore

I pray to the Crows

Scavengers of the sky

I offer my body

If only to free my soul

Open my pumping heart

Satisfy their thirst

I am but my Father’s daughter

Came into this world with no possessions

This is all I have to offer

Tired of clinging to a false sense of autonomy

Freedom is the unhinged and unsecured

A floating leaf; subject to God’s will

The Wind’s doing

I’d lay naked before Her

This is how I pray

Lay bare enticing the Serpents, Crows

And Wind to come to me

I smoke the tobacco for all my relations

The animals too

Om

Aho

Hallelujah

And if I could strip down

Be delivered an empty vessel

For Spirit to live through

I would

Surrender completely

And watch how the Serpent saves you

A transmutation of DNA

An evolution of grandiose proportions

Don’t let the fear of death hold you back

For self preservation means nothing

Compared to this final sacrifice

I will never be anything more;

Anything less;

Than this.