I know it's been a while..

I ate.

I had an orange. I feel so full. I made myself some veggie broth with 5 carrots. I'm stuffed--I feel like I sat down to a five course meal.

Of course, I'm the worst at breaking the fast. I did 13 days. I lost 15 pounds. I could have gone longer but I was really missing eating and having some sort of social life (which is pretty damn hard when you aren't eating or drinking).

What have I come away with:
I think this fast really accelerated me dealing with a lot of emotional issues. I gained a lot of clarity and perspective and I made a promise to take care of Jen first. No one is going to come between my excellent relationship with myself. I'm glad I did this when I did because it boosted my confidence and I feel very in control of myself and of my body. My energy is flowing again instead of this depressed stagnation I was in.

I got the keys to my new place today. I can't wait to move in.

I've been feeling really good lately. I'm amazed at my own sheer strength and capacity to deal with the recent things thrown into my world as of late. I'm quite proud of myself. Now I just need to sum of the courage to pack up the rest of my things here and finally be done with this temporary home. 5 months of my life here. I'm glad I'm leaving because this place just reminds me of him.

Rainer Maria

A friend who just met me but I think he knows me better than I know myself gave me this book by Rainer Maria Rilke: Letters to a Young Poet. It's one of those books where the words on the page just resonate so much it's almost painful to read, like playing that one song that kills you every time.

I have much to learn from this quote in particular. Enjoy.

Works of art are of an infinite loneliness and with nothing so little to be reached as with critcism. Only love can grasp and hold and be just toward them. Consider yourself and your feeling right every time with regard to such argumentation, discussion or introduction; if you are wrong after all, the natural growth of your inner life will lead you slowly and with time to other insights. Leave to your opinions their own quiet undisturbed development, which, like all progress, must come from deep within and cannot be pressed or hurried by anything. Everything is gestation and then bringing forth. To let each impression and each germ of a feeling come to completion wholly in itself, in the dark, in the inexpressible, the unconscious, beyond the reach of one's own intelligence, and await with deep humility and patience the birth-hour of a new clarity: that alone is living the artist's life: in understanding as in creating.

There is no measuring with time, no year matters, and ten years are nothing. Being an artist means, not reckoning and counting, but ripening like the tree which does not force its sap and stands confident in the storms of spring without the fear that after them may come no summer. It does come. But it comes only to the patient, who are there as though eternity lay before them, so unconcernedly still and wide. I learn it daily, learn it with pain to which I am grateful: patience is everything!

New Moon's in the alley and its madness calls to me

It's 4:30 a.m. and I have been trying to sleep for an hour. I'm going to attribute the restlessness to the fast as I usually am pretty good about sleeping. It's not until later on in the fast that I usually start feeling restless--they say that it's because of your body not using you energy to do digest that you have extra energy. I'm not sure that's true since my body should be using it's energy to cleanse my cells and detox me.


Ah well, guess I'm up for the moment. I did tarot readings for this event called Give Peace a Dance. It's this really awesome event every 1st Saturday of the month. There are drum circles, a fire pit outside (which is my favorite thing there), different healers and readers, thai massage, reiki, dancing, etc.


Anyway, for every single person that came in for a reading I kept pulling out The Moon card from my deck. See the definition for it here. but I have The Goddess Deck so the definition is slightly different. My deck is slightly gentler than other decks and that's part of the reason I enjoy working with it. It's a lot lighter and embued with feminine energy.


The definition for The Moon in this deck is as follows:
The Moon is represented by the Roman Goddess Diana.


"The changing moon reflects the cycles of nature, its light influences all growing things--plants, animals, and humans alike--for better and for worse. Diana reminds us of our connections to these cycles and that, like the moon itself, what is empty will, in time, become full if we are patient.
General Meanings:
The receptive, nurturing aspects. Intense emotions. Vivid or lucid dreams. Intuition. An opportunity to work on your relationship with that which truly nurtures you.
Reversed: Uncomfortable emotional states, uneasiness with intuition, maternal figures, women. Feeling as changeable as the moon..."
-The Goddess Tarot


I felt that even though I was giving other people readings and this card kept coming up it was because there was some sort of global consciousness of unrest at the moment that is causing each of us to either really truly listen to ourselves for guidance amongst the craziness or avoid using our intuition at all costs - which unfortunately was true for most of the people I read for. In many ways I felt like the moon was trying to deliver a message to me that night.


I've been thinking a lot about Our Great Mother and the messages she is trying to deliver to us now. It seems the rapid pace of everything is catching up to us with all the earthquakes and natural disasters that are happening. She's trying to wake us up.


It's 5:16 a.m. on a Monday morning. I'm up.