India and Tigers

I am obsessed with both but only wrote a poem about one.
My affinity with the tigers:

I've been stalking you
in my sleep
like a tigress
watching sheep
you just look so sweet...

Faraway in the country
from the jungles I know
the night may be quiet
but it does not sleep
not like the scheming tigress
counting her sheep.

Do not scorn a weak cub, for she may become a brutal tiger. -Famous Mongolian proverb

I love men

I love men.  I know I never talk about this except for the time when I wished I was a man, but I really truly love men.  

Feminism has nothing to do with men and everything to do with equality.  It’s much more of an egalitarian philosophy rather than a bashing of a particular sex.  I have many male friends that call themselves feminists.  Plus, I love men.  I talk about them all the time.   They are beautiful creatures.

Here are the top ten things I love about the men in my life:

1. They make me think and give me different perspectives
2. They make me laugh until I’m heaving and then make fun of me because I sound like I’m having an asthma attack.
3. They don’t sweat the small stuff and make sure I don’t either.
4. They call me to make sure I’ve checked my old car to see if it has enough oil.
5. They are supportive of my endeavors and try to help me both in my career and personally.
6. They are wonderful friends.  They really know how to listen and are sweet.
7. I’m blessed to have an amazing father and a great older brother that I know are there at the drop of a pin if I need something.
8. They keep it simple and don’t overcomplicate matters.
9. Talking business with them is fun.
10. They are just as dedicated to making the women in their life as successful as possible as I am.

So here's a thank you and I love you to all the amazing men in my life.

I want the Pharaohs, but there's only men.

Please introduce me to someone nice before I convince myself to buy 9 cats (that I happen to be allergic to) and die a miserable and lonely death.

When did chivalry die?  I mean, I know I’m a feminist but I am always, first and foremost, a lady.  I love a man that has manners, knows how to behave with people so that they are comfortable and at ease.  This is such an important life skill for any social interaction you will have in your life, why wouldn’t you learn good manners?!  

You're born alone and you die alone..

I’ve been reading this book called The Last Lecture.  It’s about a college professor that finds out he has a few months to live and decides to write life lessons he wishes he could share with his children.

The book is a great read even though the premise is quite depressing.  It got me thinking about my father and his lessons.  There are several but I will mention only one for now.

I was going through my first big break-up and really nervous and scared. I called my dad bawling my eyes out.  As I was sitting on my stoop, eyes red and the world ending in my 23-year-old head, he said to me the following: Jen, we are born into this world alone and we die alone.  The only one you need to hold yourself accountable to or take care of is yourself.

His white beard has been earned through wisdom!

I thought a lot about this and have always carried it with me no matter what the situation.  It’s helped me leave relationships that needed leaving, change jobs, not compromise on my ideals or who I am as a person and also, on occasion, driven me to advise people in the same manner.

One of the many instances where I was trying to help someone happened on my way to Mexico on a business trip last February.  I was sitting next to an older woman and she started some small talk with me and bought me a drink.  We were drinking those lovely miniature bottles of wine they give on planes and then she started bawling her eyes out about a daughter who I reminded her of.  Then came details of a messy divorce after 26 years of marriage and how her life was an absolute disaster and she was going to Mexico to decompress etc. 

I wanted to be sympathetic and all I could think of saying was: well, you’re born into this world alone and you die alone.

It did not come out sounding like my father’s tone of it’s okay, you’re a responsible adult, you can take on the world, you just need yourself.  Instead it came out sounding far more cynical and hopeless.

Then came the kicker.  This woman with such sorrow in her eyes said:  I wasn’t born alone, I’m a twin!

Then she started talking about how her twin sister wouldn’t talk to her either.

Here I am thinking in my head: Goddamn it, Jen!  The one time you try and make someone feel better or give some sort of advice and this happens.  Of course she’s a twin, of course the ONE time you use someone else’s line she happens to be the exception.

I bought the next round after that.

What NOT to say to a girl on a date...

I won't go into too many details but here's what not to say or do to a girl when you are out with her on a date:

• Why did you cut your bangs?  They looked so nice before i.e. like two years ago when you had just met me..and was it really necessary to continue to return to this subject for the duration of the night?!
• Mention one of my friend's ex-girlfriends and then allude to possibly having slept with her (note: this will ruin ANY chance you would ever even fathom to have to me having any physical contact with you at all - even a hug is definitely NOT happening.  Gross.
• Text your super awesome friends that are clearly having more fun than you are right now (although probably not since they are texting) ALL NIGHT!  Really, are things that important that you need to literally stare at your phone for five whole minutes in the conversation?
• I hate striped shirts.  I mean, you didn't know before so it's cool but yeah I can't stand striped shirts.  This while I have my brown and cream striped sweater on.  That was nice of you. Next time let me TEXT you about what I should wear!
• Please don't force any date to answer where she would rate your physical appearance on a scale of 1 - 10 during the conversation.  This is incredibly awkward and irrelevant and just goes to reinforce how much you are thinking about yourself and trying to stroke your ego the whole time.  Especially as my opinion based on your personality gets lower and lower throughout the night.

So Jen, this sounds pretty awful, why did you let it continue for so long?

I had fun after a few glasses of wine talking shit to this guy.  Sometimes I do that.  Anyway, I hope we can be friends although if he ever reads this not sure if that will be possible. Let's hope he thinks I'm funny and goes with it.  

Did you seriously just call me that? Do I know you?

To all the men that just meet me or have a casual friendship with me and think they have earned the right to call me babe: think again.

I am not your babe.  Furthermore, this makes you look incredibly sleazy and it annoys the hell out of me.  It is condescending.  How would you like it if I started calling you little pet names after just meeting you?

The worst ones TEXT you like “hey babe, thanks for that information – look forward to our meeting soon.”   Many things are wrong with this:

•          This is business.  I don’t call you sweetcheeks in communicating with you during a meeting or via email or text, do I?
•          You are texting me or emailing me and INTENTIONALLY TYPING the word babe.  You may think you’re being cute or hip because I’m young, but you are very mistaken.
•           Just because we are drinking and hanging out in a casual atmosphere does not give you the right to call me babe.  You can call me by my name, thanks.
•          Calling me a pet name must be EARNED – it is not given just because you deem yourself worthy.

Give a girl a break.  Don’t call me babe unless I’m dating you or you want to be called sweetcheeks in reply.

Let's Get Serious..

I've been having fun.  Lots of fun - as evidenced by my past few posts - most of which I think are hilarious, but something happened today.

I logged into my blog to see that I had lost a follower.  :(  This made me unbelievably sad.  So now, I will refrain from discussing the following topics as a result of the loss I'm experiencing:

• dead babies (yep...still keep thinkin' about them)
• feminism (writing a book instead)
• and  oil covered seagulls - (I guess some people might be sensitive to innocent animals suffering because of human interference with our environment).

On a serious note I found this awesome article about how men that do housework and have more egalitarian relationships with their female partners are happier in life.  Read more about this here.

If you read this and don't follow me - please follow me to make me feel better - it's kind of like losing a pet and then getting a replacement pet.  Will you be my replacement pet?  My life feels empty without you following!

Also, if you like my blog - pass it on!  Pass it on to your friends, family, dead babies (nah nevermind - they suck as followers), and the like.

You can follow my by pressing the follow button on the right hand side.

Advice FROM THE FUTURE!

Dear Jen last night,

This is future Jen from this morning.  Please listen to my following suggestions prior to drinking Makers Mark like it's water and you're in the middle of the desert.

1. Dead baby jokes are not a good conversation starter with every single boy you find attractive.  STOP bringing it up. 
2. Hooking up your i-pod to the bar's sound system and dancing to Le Tigre by yourself isn't as cool as you thought it was last night...oh and look someone took pictures.  Future Jen from this morning had to do a lot of begging and bribing and other unsavory things to get those pictures back..
3. I know I said no dead baby jokes already but I really want to make sure you get this through your head.
4. Apparently, you lie a lot when you're drunk.  Apparently, you also gave your real number to someone who just texted you "I'd love to hear more about your recent trip to Thailand and the elephants.."  WHAT?!  a)Who did you give your number to and why would you give them your number when God knows what else you made up about yourself? b) Thailand?  Elephants?!?!  SERIOUSLY?!?  Future Jen is super pissed off right now.
5. You need to pick better wingmen/wingwomen for this type of thing.  Your wingman last night sat across from you and your new friends telling everyone that they "were so young and beautiful"  all night while you were telling dead baby jokes.  It was doomed from the start.

Happy as a clam, weren't you?  Before the madness..

In conclusion, my dearest Jen from last night, you were a mess last night, but from all the hilarious and slightly weird texts from this morning it seems like it was a fun night.  Just don't do it again.

Love,

Jen FROM THE FUTURE!

The Awkwardness of Dating

So I've never really dated before, that is to say that I've been in long-term relationships for most of my adult life that somehow magically happened without having to go through the whole "dating ritual."

It's a foreign concept.  It's awkward.  It's let's go out to dinner to evaluate whether you would be a good incubator for my spawn. Or let's do something incredibly cheesy like go ice-skating to measure whether I could potentially spend my whole life with you.

Call me cold and unromantic, but I'm just not into that type of thing.  I don't like premises, I don't like expectations, I don't like feeling measured or judged, but sadly, I love men.

What a dilemma.

Here are some quotes from my favorite artists that I think about when I think about dating:

I was afraid to be alone
Now I'm scared that’s how I'd like to be
All these faces none the same
How can there be so many personalities?

-Azure Ray

Promise me we won’t go into the nightclub

I really don’t think it’s our scene

What kind of people go to meet people

 in a place you can’t be heard or seen?

-The Be Good Tanyas

The one person who really knows me best

Says I’m like a cat

The kind that you just can’t pick up and throw onto your lap

The kind that doesn’t mind being held

But only when it’s her idea

The kind that feels what she decides to feel

When she is good and ready to feel it.

-Ani DiFranco

Guilt-Trippin' in the U.S.A.

My lovelies,

Somehow this blog has become like this really sick relative that will completely chastise you if you don’t call every other day.  I don’t know how it happened really, but it’s become this crying baby that I birthed and I never imagined so demanding.

This post is inspired by GUILT!!  That little gnawing feeling you have when you did or probably didn’t (if you’re Catholic) do anything wrong.

My mother (she always comes up in our conversations, Blog) is the master of making you feel guilty for just about everything in your life (especially when you don’t call).  As a consequence I’ve grown immune.

My immunity allows me to do the following:

• Tell new parents that I’ve DEFINITELY seen cuter babies.

No Mommy!  I don't want to bite on the stick!

• Tell my dog that she would be much better as a mop because she’s so hairy and then try to get her to bite hard on a long stick so I can drag her across the floor.
• Tell funny jokes about dead babies.
• Tell even funnier jokes about dead babies that were mutilated in some way and or stock piled…
• Drive a Hummer.
• Drive a Hummer full of food and fresh milk through Africa passing all the hungry famous children from t.v.!
• Pour a bunch of motor oil on top of seagulls’ heads in the Pacific Ocean.
• Take pictures of said seagull and laugh hysterically while tweeting them and face-booking them to all my closest 402 friends.

You may get this image texted to you later with a "hahahahaha" as the caption.

• Float leisurely on a huge iceberg while watching Polar Bears drown

and finally:

• Vote Libertarian and Green in really tight elections.

My artwork

This is just my latest piece.  Let me know what you think - feel free to comment:

Still a work in progress at 8p.m.

All done!  Midnight!