My Hands

My hand gravitates towards yours

As though you were a furnace

On the coldest day of the year

I keep my hands to myself

My body remembers you

Every cell wants to joyfully leap outside of me

My olfactory senses indulge in a familiarity

Rarely ever felt to me

I keep my body to myself

I am an energetic ball of restraint

For fear of rushing in full force

And never bouncing back

And I am terrified

I keep my energy to myself

  

A natural inclination to lay my head on your chest

Fall into an embrace like a child to a mother’s breast

Like your strong arms can hold me

I keep my head to myself

My stomach has collected more butterflies today

Than it has all year

And I like the way you look at me

I keep my heart to myself

I am laughing it off when you discuss other women

And everything in your life that doesn't include me

Using all of my will just to brush it off casually

When really I just want you to

Remember all those little things

That make up me

Like the fact that I’ll never really give up coffee

But I’ll keep trying

And my brow’s arch so slightly when I’m focusing

How I always say obscenities in Spanish

But only when I’m angry

I always laugh at my own jokes

When no one else thinks it’s funny

The way my tongue presses against my front teeth

When I’m smiling

And all I really want to do

Is lie down here with you

With my fingers caressing your face

But I keep my hands to myself

I'm Not Her

Bless the woman that makes you a man

Taking off your training wheels

I’m not her.

Thank that saintly patient teacher

Waiting for maturity to hit you over the head

Call me when you get there.

Luck to the woman who sees your potential

More than the reality in front of her

Send me a postcard.

Sympathy to the woman mistaking a mirage for a lagoon

Amidst the dusty sand dunes

I’m just not that thirsty.

Thank that sacrificial whore

Who let you take more than you can give

I don’t spread myself around.

I’ll be the one to let you struggle lovingly

Because I believe in you more than you do

I’ll be the only one strong enough to handle you

Because I’m strong enough to know that I don’t have to

No More

Oaxaca, Mexico

No more maneater

No more ice queen

The resurgence of the in between

No more ardent lover

No more violent hater

All the more serene

Maybe this is called authenticity

This is a surfboard unsinking

This is what it is to own energy

She’s keeping her silence now

Less and less apt to feel the need

To fill the space

No more tough girl act; defense machinations

No more external validation

Who’s really the one keeping track?

No more drama unnecessary

No more over controlling

Live and let live; give get and give

No more people pleasing

No more overly friendly

Oh the beauty of boundaries

She’s more careful these days

She’s more thankful these days

What’s hers is hers alone

No more clinging to definitions

No more unchallenging the latest version of me

Ode to finding simplicity within complexity

It’s much less sexy

When you’re no longer the life of the party

But how enchanting to know where you’re going

No more clinging to ideals

No more holding onto all that is fluid

Finding the light and love in uncertainty

Letting the universe hold me

Surrendering

Being

Coffee

Phonecalls, deadlines, emails

The constant beeping of

one machine or another

Text messages or meetings

Lots of people to meet

Even more people to be

The names are dropped

Secret handshakes in the backroom

To-do lists extended

Late nights; early mornings

I want to be a black hoodie

Dark sunglasses

Running free and nameless

An inconsequential member

of the human race

With little in the way of

 identifying characteristics

And that “anonymous” type of face

No time to indulge in fantasies

Where’s my coffee?

Red lipstick, black suit

a knack for running in heels

Phone and neck attachments

Shoulders constantly creeping upward

Ravens circling over my head

But no matter; only time for

Conference calls and deliberations

Too forward focused

Balance failing; dark circles

More wrinkles

Shrug responsibilities

In all the ways you know you won’t

Wanderlust escape artist

A knack for running barefoot

Through sunny beaches

I want to be an endless Sunday morning

Reading quiet with dog at feet

Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me

Kettle warming

For my chamomile tea

Validation sought

Over “I’m just too busy…”

Overextensions 

Acting out accordingly

When’s the last time

I saw my family?

I gotta run, I gotta get this done

Forfeiting personal needs

For the sake of each company

Don’t keep much company

No real company

When’s the last time you were held?

Like, really?

No matter now,

Where’s my coffee?

Where’s my coffee?

Resolution

Be less despondent

More warm-hearted

P A T I E N C E

Don’t take it personally

Be less self conscious

Make peace with the uncertainty

Let it go

Stop controlling

Write more

Talk less

Work harder

Play everyday

Dream bigger
Be fierce
Be friendly

Slowly slowly

Practice daily

Less arrogance

More acceptance

Kill the ego

Breathe deeper

Push yourself more

Rest more often

Let it go

Turn off the television

Give thanks

Pray all day

Fill up on love

Be less angry

Let yourself cry

Be strong enough

Practice mindfulness

Sink into the pose

Don’t try so hard

Let things flow

Read more books

Listen attentively

Be present

Let it go
Turn off your cell phone

Spend more time outside

Listen to your body

Respect your elders

Let them come

Be the change

Become the teacher

Set the example

Tell the truth

Show kindness

Embody compassion

Look beyond yourself

Know self sacrifice

Dig through your darkness

Embrace your weakness

Hug more people

See the good

Challenge yourself

Widen your perception

Evolve.

Almost

I.              Jonathan

You get my cheesy jokes
You say exactly what I was just thinking
No need to explain my strange tangents on the state of the world’s affairs
Or how I woke up one morning and decided to chop off my hair
That I decided just last night that I was going to India solo
And maybe Tibet if I have time

And whenever we’re together they have to stifle our laughter
You recognize me the same way rare birds know each other
You feel to me like family

If you were to ask me straight I’d own up to it
Fantasizing about events that could never happen
My hands haven’t been looking so clean
But yours have that strong nobility; pristine
What I love about you is why we could never be

This is me not noticing your expressions
A vague little smile and an extra spark in your eyes
Every time you come close enough to look into mine
We are a quiet conversation lingering in the cold
We are a tinge of sadness every time one of us has to go
We are behaving well; doing what we are told
We are all potential and never any follow through
We are subtle insinuations with a touch of flirtation
We are a goodbye hug five seconds too long

II.             Amir

You rounded the curves of the mountain 

so intimately and with such speed that

my heart was racing

We went deep into the forest

then deep within ourselves 

We undressed in rivers so clear

each pebble had a distinct color 

We saw bears and leaping squirrels

made peace with spiders and hiked up inclines

I liked you the best when

you climbed down the waterfall 

Some teenager needed to prove his salt

compared to you and followed you down  

I sat on top of the waterfall

snapping photos of you with your phone

We were quiet together

staring up at the stars

we didn’t talk about us or tomorrow

or what life would be like back in Chicago

I said I thought I should be alone for a while

and you said that only right now mattered

We packed our things silently

as though we’d worked as a team forever

I was the morning’s joyful daughter

you were eyes wide open, night owl

I rounded the curves of the mountain 

the way a man knows his way around a woman

the moment felt surreal and serene 

Our minds both blank now focused on the green

of God’s leaves and the rich reds of the cliffs

we’d climbed and pass too soon.  

III.            Ismael

I wanted to show you

Every poem I’d ever written

I wanted to explore every freckle

On your body

I wanted to sit with you

In your ocean of sadness

Like a life raft

I wanted to make you dinner

Then make you laugh

I wanted to challenge you

Push you further into

Your own self-exploration

I wanted to support everything

You’ve ever wanted for yourself

I wanted you to meet me halfway

I still think of you

While clinging to “someday”

When we’re both grown

When we’re both settled

But nothing’s ever done

And nothing’s ever perfect

You still don’t deserve

All that I still want to give you

And I still don’t care

Does that make me a masochist?

IV.           Phillip

I accidentally kissed you

I didn’t realize it really or intend to

You were slightly shocked and stuttering

Before changing the subject completely

I was all smiles with no expectations

I watch the way you move on stage

You are all open hips and an open heart

No inhibitions or false sense of self

Never met anyone with so much charm

It’s sudden and seductive in unexpected ways

There are many other women, I’m sure

Normally I’d care, but I don’t

I’m just here to say hello

A quiet confident curiosity

Share some space and time before I have to go

And that’s enough for now

V.            You

The first in a series of future “to be continueds”

A neverending ellipse

Of yet unsaid sentences…

Dejame Que Me Calle con el Silencio Tuyo

Me Gustas Cuando Callas Me gustas cuando callas  porque estas como ausente, y me oyes desde lejos,  y mi voz no te toca. Parece que los ojos  se te hubieran volado y parece que un beso te cerrara la boca. Como todas las cosas estan llenas de mi alma emerges de las cosas,  llena del alma mia. Mariposa de sueno,  te pareces a mi alma, y te pareces a la palabra melancolia. Me gustas cuando callas  y estas como distante. Y estas como quejandote,  mariposa en arrullo. Y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te alcanza: dejame que me calle  con el silencio tuyo. Dejame que te hable  tambien con tu silencio claro como una lampara,  simple como un anillo. Eres como la noche,  callada y constelada. Tu silencio es de estrella,  tan lejano y sencillo. Me gustas cuando callas  porque estas como ausente. Distante y dolorosa  como si hubieras muerto. Una palabra entonces,  una sonrisa bastan. Y estoy alegre,  alegre de que no sea cierto. -Pablo Neruda

I Like You When You Are Quiet I like you when you are quiet  because it is as though you are absent, and you hear me from far away,  and my voice does not touch you. It looks as though your eyes had flown away and it looks as if a kiss had sealed your mouth. Like all things are full of my soul You emerge from the things,  full of my soul. Dream butterfly,  you look like my soul, and you look like the word: melancoly I like you when you are quiet  and it is as though you are distant. It is as though you are complaining,  butterfly in lullaby. And you hear me from far away,  and my voice does not reach you: let me fall quiet with your own silence. Let me also speak to you with your silence Clear like a lamp,  simple like a ring. You are like the night,  quiet and constellated. Your silence is of a star,  so far away and solitary. I like you when you are quiet  because it is as though you are absent. Distant and painful  as though you had died. A word then, a smile is enough. And I am happy,  happy that it is not true. -English translation of Pablo Neruda Poem

I'm Still Angry

In my dreams I am victorious

I am not just a kid

My innocence abounding

Still silly and giddy

Unaware of my womanly body

I am not meeting your pretty girlfriend

The next day; glaring at my bruised wrists

Seething and terrified at the sight of you

Lumps of rage forming in my throat

You are not luring me outside

‘cause you need “to talk”

You are not forcing my body

Against the fence and reveling in my struggle

You are not telling me

Not to worry about having your baby

You are not stronger than me

With alcohol on your breath

You are not pushing your lips on mine

You are not holding my hands down hard

You are not telling me you’ve never liked American girls

Quite the way you like me

In my dreams I am victorious

I am luring you out to the alleyway

Giving you that come hither look with my eyes

I am standing provocative fingering my pocket knife

I am letting you take control while I take a slice

I am strong and fierce and oh so grown

I am aware of my surroundings despite this foreign soil

I am speaking your language succinctly

I am telling you not to worry; I don’t want your baby

You are shocked at the sight of your blood

You are humiliated in your own terror

You are wise enough to start to run

You are the same as me now; untrusting

I am not still so angry a decade later

I am not wandering in alleyways and parking lots

Looking for men that look like you as I’m fingering

my knife; seeking redemption in the form of revenge

I will always say I’m a pacifist except

In the case that I should see you again

I’ll give you that come hither look with my eyes

Lure you into an alley for a night you won’t soon forget

Come here and let me show you

Just how much I’ve grown

Just how much I’ve grown

In my dreams I am victorious

Femme Fatale

Stop by my bed tonight
Wordlessly strip down
While I sit to watch
I don’t want to speak
what I could communicate with my body
And when I’m done tonight
Don’t call or text
Just wait around ‘til I call again

You’ll think it’s something more
Than it is and I just wish
You’d not worry your pretty little
head about it
Just undress me slowly
And let me kiss you tenderly
as though I’ve known you for years

Oh, it was the wine – must have been
I have to go, or maybe there was something more?
I don’t care, I don’t know
And I wanted all of you really
But emotional investment’s so costly
So I’d just as well let you keep coming to me
Until I get close enough to snuggle
to your warm chest,
say how much I love your scent
Reach inside; rip out your pumping heart
Carelessly tossing it in the pile I’ve accumulated
and you were so special baby, special to me

All I’ve ever wanted
Was to scare the shit out of you
Be reminded of my helpless fear
When my innocence was taken so young
I would have preferred a choice in the matter
But I don’t want to talk
So come here and show me what you’ve got
Then lie there in your bliss and your quiet

while I get close enough to taste your blood

All the names you’ve called me:
The Femme Fatale, so coy, so naughty
As though it might be you that hurts me
But I alone, do a good enough job of that already
And when I’m done tonight
Don’t call or text
Just wait around ‘til I call again

Don’t worry your pretty little head about it

Don’t worry your pretty.little.head.

The Spider Above My Head

LISTEN TO IT:

Background music: The Cinematic Orchestra, Awakening of a Woman

READ IT:

Melancholy looms over me like a spider hanging on a thread

I've been spun into its web; cocooned inside

I've been eating only the gnats and the flies

I've been faking it for the sake of congeniality

I've been acting as though my limbs don’t all connect back to me

I've been fearful of my own progress

I've been living inside my head instead of the present

I've been putting things in my body I cannot justify or defend

I've been battling my own duality

Oh Noble Tigress

Oh Regal Lioness

Remember your Divinity

I've been crossing busy streets without looking

I've been dancing in crowded bars just to feel bodies touching

I've been sneaking in fruits of pleasure from forbidden trees

I've been playing that same sad tape on repeat

I've been looking only through dirty windows

I've been acting as though that’s all that I deserve

I've been getting distracted by cheap shiny objects

I've been cocooned staring at a spider’s red under belly

Passionate Woman

Unleash that Tigress; set her free

Watch that lioness consume the decay of me

It’s my unraveling

Beautiful Warrior:

So much love all around you

Widen the periphery of your heart

And see beyond

That melancholy looming over your head

Like a spider dangling on a thread

Maybe...

Maybe she started eating meat after 13 years

Maybe she sold all of her furniture and the paintings too

Maybe she gave up coffee except for sometimes

Maybe she’s not who you thought she was

Maybe she gave away everything she worked hard to obtain

Maybe she understands that no one can really ever own anything

Maybe she’s ready to leave














Maybe she decided to get serious in the joyful way she’s serious about things
Maybe she’s really sorry for the damage done
Maybe she’s got her eye on the prize with a laser-like focus
Maybe she would still love to sing you to sleep
Maybe she knows moving forward means letting go of everything behind you
Maybe she thought of you while packing old pictures
Maybe she’s been feeling selfish lately
Maybe she wants to keep each moment to herself
Maybe she’s felt overexposed
Maybe she won't return your calls
Maybe she’s ready to put her Midwestern work ethic to the test
Maybe she’s breathing in life’s lessons

Maybe she’s learning to be patient
Maybe she’d be really happy to know you think of her sometimes
Maybe she needs to be alone for a while

Maybe she’s been feeling so damn grown lately
Maybe she’s done fucking around
Maybe she’s craving sobriety
Maybe the mountains did better for her than she thought
Maybe she had a moment of clarity
Maybe she’d forgive you

Maybe she’s been humbled
Maybe she could really use the support

Maybe she’s ready to be loved in ways she never let herself before

Maybe she’s learning to be honest with herself
Maybe she seeks truth in her actions
Maybe she’s learning honor and respect as verbs
Maybe she’s so different
Maybe she’s still the same, just evolving

Freedom Prayer

Feel the itch to

Shed some old skin

Live in the transformation

Let the Serpent back in

Watch as it coils around you

Until you can’t breathe

Your bones begin to crack

While your gender, age, height, race…

Those defining characteristics

Begin to deconstruct as your body condenses

Wrapped in the coils tight

The Serpent then begs the question

Of your identity

Before swallowing you whole

You’d be surprised just how seductive

That kiss of death could be

It strikes at you quickly

Without warning

Leaving you forever changed

The old you was far too safe

Too boring

Death comes in to set you free

Pray.

I am not my body

I am not my past

I am not my religion

I am not my sex

I am not my eyes

I am not my university

I am not my career

I am not my family
I am not even my poetry

If you could only remember

Death sits behind your left shoulder

What’s worth fighting for?

What’s left to cling to?

Comes a time

That you just can’t carry it around anymore

I pray to the Crows

Scavengers of the sky

I offer my body

If only to free my soul

Open my pumping heart

Satisfy their thirst

I am but my Father’s daughter

Came into this world with no possessions

This is all I have to offer

Tired of clinging to a false sense of autonomy

Freedom is the unhinged and unsecured

A floating leaf; subject to God’s will

The Wind’s doing

I’d lay naked before Her

This is how I pray

Lay bare enticing the Serpents, Crows

And Wind to come to me

I smoke the tobacco for all my relations

The animals too

Om

Aho

Hallelujah

And if I could strip down

Be delivered an empty vessel

For Spirit to live through

I would

Surrender completely

And watch how the Serpent saves you

A transmutation of DNA

An evolution of grandiose proportions

Don’t let the fear of death hold you back

For self preservation means nothing

Compared to this final sacrifice

I will never be anything more;

Anything less;

Than this.