Almost

I.              Jonathan

You get my cheesy jokes
You say exactly what I was just thinking
No need to explain my strange tangents on the state of the world’s affairs
Or how I woke up one morning and decided to chop off my hair
That I decided just last night that I was going to India solo
And maybe Tibet if I have time

And whenever we’re together they have to stifle our laughter
You recognize me the same way rare birds know each other
You feel to me like family

If you were to ask me straight I’d own up to it
Fantasizing about events that could never happen
My hands haven’t been looking so clean
But yours have that strong nobility; pristine
What I love about you is why we could never be

This is me not noticing your expressions
A vague little smile and an extra spark in your eyes
Every time you come close enough to look into mine
We are a quiet conversation lingering in the cold
We are a tinge of sadness every time one of us has to go
We are behaving well; doing what we are told
We are all potential and never any follow through
We are subtle insinuations with a touch of flirtation
We are a goodbye hug five seconds too long

II.             Amir

You rounded the curves of the mountain 

so intimately and with such speed that

my heart was racing

We went deep into the forest

then deep within ourselves 

We undressed in rivers so clear

each pebble had a distinct color 

We saw bears and leaping squirrels

made peace with spiders and hiked up inclines

I liked you the best when

you climbed down the waterfall 

Some teenager needed to prove his salt

compared to you and followed you down  

I sat on top of the waterfall

snapping photos of you with your phone

We were quiet together

staring up at the stars

we didn’t talk about us or tomorrow

or what life would be like back in Chicago

I said I thought I should be alone for a while

and you said that only right now mattered

We packed our things silently

as though we’d worked as a team forever

I was the morning’s joyful daughter

you were eyes wide open, night owl

I rounded the curves of the mountain 

the way a man knows his way around a woman

the moment felt surreal and serene 

Our minds both blank now focused on the green

of God’s leaves and the rich reds of the cliffs

we’d climbed and pass too soon.  

III.            Ismael

I wanted to show you

Every poem I’d ever written

I wanted to explore every freckle

On your body

I wanted to sit with you

In your ocean of sadness

Like a life raft

I wanted to make you dinner

Then make you laugh

I wanted to challenge you

Push you further into

Your own self-exploration

I wanted to support everything

You’ve ever wanted for yourself

I wanted you to meet me halfway

I still think of you

While clinging to “someday”

When we’re both grown

When we’re both settled

But nothing’s ever done

And nothing’s ever perfect

You still don’t deserve

All that I still want to give you

And I still don’t care

Does that make me a masochist?

IV.           Phillip

I accidentally kissed you

I didn’t realize it really or intend to

You were slightly shocked and stuttering

Before changing the subject completely

I was all smiles with no expectations

I watch the way you move on stage

You are all open hips and an open heart

No inhibitions or false sense of self

Never met anyone with so much charm

It’s sudden and seductive in unexpected ways

There are many other women, I’m sure

Normally I’d care, but I don’t

I’m just here to say hello

A quiet confident curiosity

Share some space and time before I have to go

And that’s enough for now

V.            You

The first in a series of future “to be continueds”

A neverending ellipse

Of yet unsaid sentences…

The Year of the Dragon and the Yoga Project

2012 is the year of the Dragon.  I consider this good luck if only because I’m dating a Dragon.  I mean, a human born in the year of the dragon and not an actual dragon because that would be strange and possibly delusional but I digress.

I’d like to take a moment to do something that I feel I don’t do nearly enough which is allow myself some pride in my accomplishments of 2011.

As I began 2011 I was in a very different place than I am now.  I was very depressed, uncertain about my path and full of self doubt.  My health suffered as a result.  The year proved to be challenging and transformative. 

This year I found myself again after having lost myself.  I completed the extremely challenging goal of fasting for 40 days which required tremendous discipline and self control.  I regained my confidence.  I helped nonprofit organizations raise thousands of dollars for causes near and dear to my heart.  I backpacked through southern Mexico, had some great family time in California, lost forty pounds, started a new job, grew up a little bit more, became more honest to myself and finally, I found love again.

Despite these great strides I’ve made in the span of only one year, I understand that I am merely a work in progress. To reach one’s potential, one must never be fooled into thinking that she is done learning all she can learn.  I gained more from fasting for forty days then I’ve been able to convey here.  Benefits have included a healthier diet, emotional clarity and much self confidence. If I can do that through challenging myself to a consistent behavior for a period of time, what else can I do?   This has brought a new challenge to the forefront.

Having complete control over my body was great during fasting, I now desire more control over my mind.  I’ve decided to commit myself for the next 30 days to a daily yoga practice.  I plan on documenting my experience through this blog.

The reasons I’ve chosen yoga are trifold:

1. The challenge: It will be hard.  The purpose of challenging yourself is to actually do something difficult. Sadly, I've never done ANY exercise consistently for 30 days.  This will be demanding on my body, mind and schedule.
2. Nourishment of self as habit: daily yoga allows me the opportunity to pursue nourishment for my body, soul and mind.  Yoga is a rigorous practice that demands meditation, movement and time.  Making time for myself in this way is a constant statement in my psyche telling me that I’m worth it.
3. The benefits: I’m only human and that vegan chocolate cake I baked for New Year’s was fantastic!  My hope is that I become stronger, gain more energy,  lose some pounds, gain more clarity and maintain a regular practice when I am done.

For the next 30 days I will:

• Attend a yoga class DAILY (classes are generally 1.5 hours each)
• Blog about my experience on a regular basis
• Neglect my family and friends for yoga (sorry guys, but this is likely)

Happy New Year and Namaste!

The Fast: 40 Days - Retrospective Reflection

I know, I know, I’ve been way to busy eating to blog.  Just kidding!

I successfully completed 40 days of the fast.  Breaking the fast was quite uneventful to be honest.  It was almost like food was the one thing I had longed for, built up in my head, desired, craved, wanted and became obsessed with for 40 days and at first bite I couldn’t help but think: this is it? 

Don’t get me wrong, I love eating, but I guess it’s like anything else you build up in your head after abstaining from it.  The reality of it is usually much less than the expectations you had built in your head.

As you may know from my last blog post, I have become a vegan.  I bought all of these vegan recipe books and I have to say that after fasting for 40 days, it’s not that hard.  It’s pretty easy to convince yourself of things like: cheese?  Oh I don’t eat that.  Does that have cream?  I don’t eat that. Etc.  I’m thankful for being able to easily transition to a vegan lifestyle (except for my Camel hair coat and variety of leather boots which I have no desire to be rid of).  The best thing about going vegan has been that I have been able to sustain my weight loss from the fast quite easily.

In 40 days I lost about 25 pounds.  Since completing the fast I’ve gained back about 3 pounds and maintained a 22 pound loss.  If you remember, prior to fasting I had lost 20 pounds by exercising and eating better.   This means that since April of 2011 I am down a substantial 42 pounds.  Not bad, still some to go. 

Here are the less tangible benefits of the fast that I would like to share:

Cleansing = forgiveness: it seems that I was carrying more than a few extra pounds including some pretty heavy baggage that didn’t really belong to me from some ex-lovers.  Around the fourth day of the fast I did some intense meditation, wrote some compassionate letters to myself of understanding and forgave me, him and them for some hard-earned scars on my heart.  Three days later I met someone pretty amazing (who I’m hoping won’t read this blog).

I can have a great time (shocked face) WITHOUT booze:  I know, I know, it’s crazy.  I actually like hanging out with friends without drinking.  Most of you who know me in person know I love a great Malbec or Pinot Noir and of course some whiskey or scotch on the rocks but guess what?  I don’t need to drink to have a good time (it helps tho) but not necessary.  I find myself meeting up with friends for tea or doing other things that don’t include drinking.  It’s pretty awesome.  Also, I save money.

I feel better about myself: physically, mentally and emotionally.  I feel…dare I say, happy.  I’m proud of my accomplishment and it was hard and I’m happy that I stuck through it.  I proved something to myself and let go of the need to prove things to others.  Of course, my body feels a lot better after dropping significant weight and consuming healthy foods.  I also feel more secure, like I don’t need so much validation from the outside world in my endeavors because I know what I’m doing.  There’s a quiet confidence in knowing you can do whatever you want to do.  Also, I have less patience for those individuals that have nothing but excuses, particularly because that used to be me.  I guess it’s like Herman Hesse once wrote in Demian: “If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.” 

That being said, I'm looking for my next challenge.  I kind of feel like: Okay, I fasted 40 days, now what? 

Any suggestions?

Why I Really DO Love My Solo Life

What the hell does it say about me when my friends send me articles like this:

 

 “Lol-this article made me think of you: Ladies if You Want to Pick Up, Wait Until You're Ovulating."

  

I guess the advice is useful and from an evolutionary and genetic standpoint, it makes sense, but WHAT exactly do my friends think of me if articles like this remind them of me?

I went to my parents’ house a few weeks ago. We went out to eat and afterwards my mother decided that we should go to the huge statue of the Virgin Mary (Virgén de Guadalupe) to pray. I’m not one to pray to Christian relics (read more here), but she’s my mother so I reluctantly sat on the bench with her looking at the flowers, candles and souvenirs: the physical embodiment of heartfelt prayers left at the Virgin’s concrete feet.

I watched my mother’s face as she focused hard on something. I asked her what she was praying for thinking that maybe her cousin’s passing had weighed heavier in her mind than I had originally thought.

She turned to me and said, “I am praying that you find a husband soon.”  

Oh.my.GOD!!! I didn’t know whether I should burst out laughing at this statement or take it seriously and thus take a more sensitive approach. I couldn’t hold it. I laughed. Hard.

“Yenny, you know that this is how Juliana found her husband. Her mother prayed and prayed to La Virgén and now look, she is getting married.”

“Oh, I thought she was getting married because she’s seven months pregnant, but I see your point, it must be because La Virgén willed it.”  

“Yenny, la Virgén makes miracles happen.”

What the….?!?! Me finding a boyfriend is not a miracle! Oh dear God, is it? Maybe, considering the shitty dates I’ve had lately. Well, in that case, I guess I used to be a little miracle machine – like for more than 6 years of my life and I can tell you it didn’t feel THAT miraculous.

I had a conversation with some single friends of mine regarding everyone else’s’ emphasis on relationships. I didn’t notice when I was first starting my career how everyone always asked if I had a boyfriend. I must not have noticed because I gave them the right answer. I was always in a relationship; as such, people reacted very warmly to this asking me for details about whatever boyfriend I had at the time. It almost seemed comforting for others around me to know I had a boyfriend, especially my family, despite whether or not they liked the guy I was dating at the time.

Now all of a sudden someone asks and you say you’re not seeing anyone with a huge smile on your face and there’s still that silent awkward little pause or people say: oh don’t worry, you’ll find someone. Really? Oh good, I was worried that I was going to die alone with those nine cats that I’m allergic to in a lonely apartment on the south side with no friends and no children to take me to a nursing home. Thank you for reassuring that that won’t happen to me.

In these blogs, I feel as though maybe I focus on the bad parts of being single like the horrible dates, but truth be told, no one likes to read about the good ones because that’s boring. Also, I don’t go on good dates because I care too much about the blog and you fine people. 

But today I’d like to list the things I love about not being in a relationship:

• I have made SO MUCH art! I’m talking drawings, music, writing…
• I come and go as I please with no need to explain anything to anyone. Save for my job, I’m truly free to do what I want when I want without need for discussions or compromises.
• I’ve met so many new friends that I feel like I will know for life – some from having gone on dates with them and realizing that amazingly lovely friend vibe rather than a romantic one. Not being attached to a relationship opens doors for many other types of relationships to enter your life.
• I love finding comfort in feeling unsettled. It drives me more than most things in life. I am completely portable at all times. The world is my oyster – I can roam through it at any time seeking only to please and care for myself.
• There’s a sense of complete uncertainty that authors and poets romanticize in their memoirs that seems more prevalent when you’re single. The kind where you don’t know exactly where you’re going or how you’re going to get there, but you know you’re going somewhere. Freedom breeds a certain type of youth regardless of age where the ride of your life could be parked on the corner of the dance studio you pass by or it could be waiting for you downstairs from your favorite coffee shop.
• It’s summer and everyone tends to wear less clothing and since you’re single, you can look AND touch.  
• You actually have time between your job and career oriented activities to nurture your hobbies, go back to school, and hang out with new and old friends.
• You don’t feel dependent on anyone. You are a full and whole person on your own. Regardless of how independent you may feel in your relationship there will always be shared activities and things that the other person takes over doing for you because they’re better at it (like dividing household chores or finances or even being the “strong one” usually). When you’re alone there’s a growth that occurs that is unparalleled to growing with another person. Many times it’s from having to do those tasks you don’t like; or having to be that person that you’re not best at being (like the serious one when you thrive on being the fun one).
• I love being my own best company and being completely content without missing anyone else when I’m alone.

Things Not To Say to a Girl on a Date Part II

Sad that there is a Part II to this…read PART I here.

Note this is not the same person, but alas some men are just not that bright.  Ah...the joys of being single!  Here we go:

• Don’t call me “Sexy Mexy” on the first date. 
• This is only okay on the third date only if you’re funny enough to me to pull this off.  Very few are.
• Do not take photos of me on your phone while I’m putting oil in my car (because I started to smell something burning – a common occurrence when I drive my car) and then ask me to pose “like Megan Fox.”  Really?!?  Many thing are wrong with this:
• It draws awkward to attention to the fact that I have a really shitty car.
• I can pour my own oil, but shouldn’t you be offering to help or something?
• I bear no resemblance whatsoever to Megan Fox and I’m pretty sure she probably has a nicer car than I do.
• Why the hell am I driving you around?



My car looks pretty similar to this...

• Don’t ask me midway through our date if the other friend I was with the night you and I met is single. 
• Don’t take the last sushi roll and act like you’re going to feed it to me and then eat it yourself and laugh about it afterwards.
• I know I have big cheeks and some people think that’s cute but DO NOT pinch my cheeks.  I don’t need anyone making up for the years I’ve gone without seeing my grandmother.
• Don't lower the volume on my car radio.  I like my music loud and it also drowns out the sound of your voice thus creating a more pleasant environment for me.

Trust me, I wish I was making all of those up.  Had to drive the guy home and told him to get a book on ettiquette and not to call me.  Good times.

How To Attract Creepy and or Crazy Men

Why is it that the guys I seem to attract are crazy, creepy or just wrong altogether? I think I have identified key factors about myself that may be contributing to this:
 
How to attract crazy and creepy men:

• Talk about living with wolves.
• Be obsessed with dead baby jokes. (Although I have seriously made some progress here...)
• Go to bars by yourself just to sit and draw or write poems.
• Wear feathers in your hair.
• Talk about your passionate love for chess.
• Be slightly domineering and assertive (for some reason, crazy and creepy men love strong women).
• Be open-minded (to the point of allowing weird conversations go on way too long).
• Have crazy parents to begin with that are at fault for placing you on the path to being accustomed to crazy behavior from others. (read here for more background)

How to be a creepy and or crazy man:

• Buy me Barbies for my 27th birthday (this is never an OK thing to do for ANY adult woman’s birthday).
• Stare at me every single time I get up to go to the restroom in the hallways of my office.
• Now this particular person has graduated to saying hello. I don’t respond. No one likes to STARED at every time they go to the restroom.
• Take pictures of my apartment when I am not there.
• Ask me to kiss you after asking me if I have ecstasy pills on me.
• L.A. clubs are kind of crazy. Do I look like I have drugs? Seriously…
• Love Jesus a little too much and or think I am going to Hell. (please see here)
• Ask me to wear my hair a particular way prior to going out with you (yep, didn’t end up going out with him after that).

Sadly, all of those things mentioned above REALLY did happen to me. Even sadder is that there hasn’t been a normal instance to balance any of the creepy crazy instances out. Disillusionment and fear is settling in rather quickly.

Online dating and the American way...

I was talking to my friend the other night about dating and how unnatural it felt at this point in our lives.

“I know what I want now, and I’m not sure if that is making things easier or harder for me.  I meet people I am mildly interested in, but no one that I really feel an intense connection with.  It’s hard to know whether I want to go on a second or third date with them…I mean I like them and could potentially feel more for them but I don’t feel anything so much initially.”

I remind her about how we met in college and how it wasn’t necessarily this instant bond we created; it took a lot of time to build a strong relationship together.  “That’s just it,” I say.  “Relationships take time; creating emotional bonds with another person not only takes energy, but also time.”

We talked then about American culture.  We Americans are not used to taking time to achieve what we want.  We are a very quantitative culture.  Conversations with my girlfriends soon become one of: well, we’ve been on four dates so far and he has called me 8 times and texts me at least once a day etc.  We have this little habit of trying to quantify what it is to have a relationship, to be cared for, to justify our feelings.

I just saw this Ke$ha music video where she featured the dating site, Plenty of Fish.  Dating sites have become very popular among Generation Y, the generation that tends to be more comfortable with technology.  It seems so counterintuitive to me that human beings are trying to date in this way.  To each his or her own when it comes to dating, but to me sorting through a bunch of men’s pictures and profiles (while I really wish it were that easy) seems so unnatural.  After all, I think my most successful relationships didn’t have the qualities I could pick out so easily on a list, but each in his own way had something I needed to experience at that moment of my life, whether or not I was aware I needed it and I ended up lasting years with them.  I think we have a tendency to think we know what we want, but do we know what we need?

Even the idea of choosing a boyfriend or girlfriend like we're picking out our furniture feels awkward, and yet I feel it's a uniquely American thing.  As analytical beings we want to measure our options and choose the one that fits our individual needs best, but I'd be wary when it comes to doing this with relationships.  Relationships are not business transactions that can be measured so simply.

Quantifying when it comes to relationships isn’t always a bad thing.  Much can be told of the seriousness of a relationship when it surpasses the one year mark or the five year mark.  However, when you are just casually dating, you cannot expect to have deep feelings of trust developed after just three dates.  That being the case, how can one discern whether or not to continue seeing someone or not?  Who is worth the time investment?  Who isn’t?  

On a side note there is this blog that is HILARIOUS and superbly written that I highly recommend you check out about online dating.   Two cousins share their experiences dating online and then document the good, the bad and the ugly for your entertainment: http://www.thisonetimeonmatch.blogspot.com/

Where Have The Good Men Gone?

This article made so much sense!! Please read it here.

I have too many "guys" that I know that are exactly how author Kay Hymowitz describes them:

Today, most men in their 20s hang out in a novel sort of limbo, a hybrid state of semi-hormonal adolescence and responsible self-reliance....

This is pretty harsh at the end but worth mentioning:

Relatively affluent, free of family responsibilities, and entertained by an array of media devoted to his every pleasure, the single young man can live in pig heaven—and often does. Women put up with him for a while, but then in fear and disgust either give up on any idea of a husband and kids or just go to a sperm bank and get the DNA without the troublesome man. But these rational choices on the part of women only serve to legitimize men's attachment to the sand box. Why should they grow up? No one needs them anyway. There's nothing they have to do.

They might as well just have another beer.

Feel free to comment - where have all the real men gone of our generation?

Why My Valentine is so Much Better Than Yours

This is why:

1. My Valentine never argues with me.
2. My Valentine doesn’t get drunk and embarrass me in front of all my friends.
3. My Valentine is always in the mood to cuddle.
4. My Valentine does yoga with me.
5. My Valentine is such a great listener.
6. My Valentine never complains about my cooking (or lack thereof).
7. My Valentine loves walking around the neighborhood with me.
8. My Valentine looks damn good next to me.
9. My Valentine never blames me for things that aren’t really my fault.
10. My Valentine never talks about ex-lovers.
11. My Valentine has never made me cry.
12. My Valentine kills all the bugs in my apartment before I even notice them.
13. My Valentine doesn't play stupid games with me and always comes whenever I call.
14. Best of all, I fall deeper in love every time I see those huge black eyes staring at me.
15. My Valentine is really cute like this:

and not ugly like this:

Who Falls in Love with her Masseuse in Paradise?

I do! I do! 

My dearest lovelies,
I have been trying so hard to stay away from boys this whole trip.  You have no idea what a challenge it has been, however it has been rewarding.  I have been writing and dedicating much time to myself.  I have also been pampering myself..like getting massages for instance.

I was eating at a place that Angel (I will write more about him on another occasion) took me to on the beach.  It was there that I saw him.  A beautiful man with long dark curly hair and dark skin all dressed in white comes and joins us.  "This is Johnny," says Angel.  Jenny and Johnny...already I love it.  Umm...speak, Jen. Stop staring, good Lord, you are embarassing yourself!

"So what do you do here on the island?" I ask.
"I´m the masseuse.  My cabaña is right over there."

I am totally getting a massage later.

"That´s awesome, I just got out of my yoga class right now.  It was Ashtanga..I hadn´t realized how sore my back was from carrying my backpack and purse with me everywhere for the past few weeks."

"Well, you should stop by if you´d like."

Done.  Totally done.

I went at sunset after tanning the whole day on the beach, hanging out with Angel.  We started talking after the massage and he says, "I feel such a connection with you, ever since I met you earlier.  Do you want to go grab dinner?"

YES!  I totally would love to! Oh my God!

Okay, so not only was my last blog about wanting to live here and finding a super sweet apartment here for cheap so that I could be an inspired writer and do yoga and eat fresh fruit and fish every single day, but now there is a hot boy who does yoga on the beach each morning and massage therapy that feels a connection with me!?!?  I am so screwed.

Ugh...Chicago...what do  you offer me?  I am so torn.  I would have to get on that boat tomorrow at 1p.m. to catch my flight Monday morning.  I am not quite sure how that is going to happen...

Off to see Johnny for dinner. 

The Fall and Rise of Spain

"Are you from Argentina, you speak Spanish so well but I can`t place your accent," says a dark Spaniard to me.

I smile, "No, Chicago but I´ve been speaking all my life."

We start chatting on the beach casually.  The sun is setting over the ocean and he says that this is paradise.  How can I possibly disagree?

"Mexico is so beautiful, Spain gave up such a beautiful country and handed it to the Mexicans and look at what a disaster they have managed to make of it."

Jen´s Brain: Oh, no he did not just say that to me...
Jen´s Mouth: As I recall, Spain didn´t exactly hand it over.  There were wars fought and Mexico won.  Also, they stole the land from its original inhabitants so the possession of Mexico by Spain, in my opinion was a mere occupation.
Him: Well, the Maya and Aztec were constantly fighting as well.  The way I see it you are either the conquistador or conquested.  So do you have a boyfriend?
Jen´s Brain: FUCK!  Of course, I should have known that this was why he pulled me away to chat.  Ugh, I am so naive sometimes...I never know.  I can never tell...
Jen´s Mouth: No.
Him: Oh, such a pretty girl like you, not having a boyfriend.  Why is that?
Jen´s Brain: Shit, do I have to justify this question?  Pretty maybe but I´m thinking a more appropriate word might be lucky at the moment.
Him: I don´t have a girlfriend.
Jen´s Brain: Can I go now?  I thought we were discussing conquests...well I guess this is kinda the same thing.
Him: So, Yenni, how do you like your men?  What is your type?
Jen´s Brain: Not you.
Jen´s Mouth: I don´t know...I guess the most important thing is that they know themselves.
Him: Yes, that is good.  I like women who know themselves too.
Jen´s Brain: Okay...exit line, Jen, exit line!!
Jen´s Mouth: You know I am just so exhausted.  I need to go to bed.  It has been a really long day.
Him: (looking disappointed) Oh, it´s still quite early.  You should hang out more.  What are you up to tomorrow.  Maybe we can go to the beach together or something.
Jen´s Brain:  Nope.
Jen´s Mouth: (smile) Goodnight.

Since this exchange the gentleman in question has been following me around the hostel, trying to talk to me and I have been trying to look incredibly busy, as incredibly busy as one can look on an island and at a hostel with hammocks at every corner.  I´ve been avoiding him like the plague the Spaniards brought to these lands.  The time has come for me to get off this island. 

The Spaniards have however, redeemed themselves in the form of an adorable, intelligent young woman named Eli.  She is a writer, artist and traveler and we spent a whole night talking about life, spirituality, travelling and global social issues.  We exchanged pictures of artwork and per her lovely recommendation I am leaving Isla Mujeres and going to Isla Holbox, a much less visited and touristed island.  It is a fisherman`s port and sounds like some lovely quiet for this writer to get some work done.

As a sidenote my father would not forgive me if I didn´t mention my own Spanish blood, of which I am composed of half.  A quarter from Galecia and a quarter from Islas Canarias.

A Kinda, Sorta Relationship

I’ve been talking to a lot of my friends lately about relationships and men (a usual topic of conversation for a 20-something females). 

There has been this trend to have ambiguous relationships with men that defies social standards or definitions for many of my friends.  Example being that new Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher flick.

This is not an endorsement.  I haven't even seen this.

Are these relationships the ones that will define our 20-something generation?  Are we going to be telling our grandchildren, “well, your grandpa and I were never an item if you know what I mean – he was just around the neighborhood a lot…that is until your father came along..then we had to get more serious.”

Your future grandkid: “ what did he do in the neighborhood, grandma?”

You: “Bring grandma some more whiskey and I’ll tell you all about it…”

This is going nowhere good….

I have mixed feelings about the ambiguous relationships.  The hippie in me wants to think let’s all be free and just be who want to be without needing to define anything.  Then there comes this very traditional voice I recognize saying friends don’t cross certain lines. 

Like most things without structure and rules, it’s gotten complicated.  My friends gush over their wine discussing their ambivalence between being free or attached and how the happy medium they’ve stumbled into isn’t so happy.  It’s complex; it’s this dark terrain where there are no maps and guides to get them out safely.  Oh and let’s not even get started on the emotional turmoil.  It’s like constant purgatory.  There’s no way out unless it’s back to friendship or a committed relationship.  

But my friends don’t want to be committed to a partner right now, nor will they commit to being alone.  They want to be free, yet they want the comfort of knowing that someone will hold them.  They want to date other people, yet want to have a good old stand by guy they can call when they feel lonely.  They want to not belong to anyone and yet feel a sense of belonging to someone when it’s convenient.

This is creating this hybrid of a friend and lover where you agonize over text messages or tones in voices but can’t ask what they meant because that would mean you’re disclosing some sort of emotion towards the other person that shouldn’t be there.  Also, emotions and feelings?  Where did those stupid things come from and why are they here now?  They have no place in this sort of arrangement.  They are not supposed to exist here in purgatory. 

Is it just human nature to not want to be alone?  Is there a certain validation we women feel to have a man stand next to us?  Is being alone, truly alone, such a dreadful circumstance that we can’t fully commit to it? Or are we just non-committal by nature?

Sometimes I suck at dating.

I know it’s hard to believe.  Well, this wasn’t really a date persay, but I had kind of wanted to date this guy eventually because I liked him.

So I had a few drinks and was talking to this gentleman for quite a while.  He seemed really sweet and didn’t mind me talking about dead babies at all so in my mind, it was going well.

It was close to 2 a.m. and so I asked him if he’d like to go back to my place to make some art because I lived so close to the bar.

He agreed.

You’d think making some sort of move to show that I was interested in him would be easy for me considering he’s coming to my apartment.

I'm sure he was thinking I was just as weird as this guy thinks Liz Lemon is...

WRONG – I am like the Liz Lemon of dating – I somehow will find ways to screw something up even when it’s “in the bag.”

We get to my place what do I do?  I go and get my easel and markers and charcoal and instruct him to work with the charcoal while I work with the markers, and oh would he like some tea?

Charcoal, Jen – seriously? 

I don’t think he actually thought I was serious about the art…

It’s late.  We are tired.  So I ask if he would like to watch a movie and he says he would love to.  Okay, good…movies are good, there could be some cuddle action…maybe a kiss. NOPE!

 Another great potentially romantic moment ruined by yours truly.

First of all, I put a documentary on about coal mining.  Really, Jen, COALMINING?!? That’s real sexy.

Then while he’s sitting on my loveseat to one side so I can sit next to him and I step over him to sit on my other couch.  

This time I actually realize I screwed up and am thinking okay, you can still salvage this…just go sit next to him, Jen – it’s not so hard..just go and sit next to him.  Five minutes later I’m still thinking about how to maneuver this incredibly complicated action and finally think: Too much time has passed.  You made your choice.  You have to stay here now.

Naturally he falls asleep.  Why?  Because it’s 4a.m. and WE ARE WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT COALMINING!!

I go to my bedroom and fall asleep.  The next morning I wake up excited thinking, okay today’s a new day and he slept over so we can grab a bite and some coffee and talk some more only to awaken to find that he’s gone.  FAILED!

I finally turn my phone on to a nice text message that says it was great chatting with you and hanging out blah blah blah…but one of those that just means that we’ll probably never do that again.

Men are like chess pieces...

but I still love them.

The deeper into the game I get, the more real life examples I see of why it’s imperative to understand the nature of the game. 

Chess is all about strategy.  When I play I think of all the great leaders throughout history like Ghengis Khan and Machiavelli.  You will always have your pawns that help position you; the powerhouses like the rooks, your unexpected secret weapons like the knights and those who just beg to be crossed like the bishops.  How you play them is what matters; really – how you set the stage for the next thing to happen that’s important.

Lessons I’m slowly learning about dating from chess:

1. Be deliberate.  This means being strategic about what you’re doing and having a sense of what your next moves will be.
2. Learn the basics.  You can’t do anything advanced if you don’t know the basic rules that apply. 
3. Make every move count.
4. The Queen is the key protector of the King.  The Queen possesses all the power and can maneuver every which way.
5. Know your opponent – never underestimate your opponent.
6. PATIENCE.  The game of chess takes time – sometimes games last hours. 
7. Kill your opponent until he is dead

I want the Pharaohs, but there's only men.

Please introduce me to someone nice before I convince myself to buy 9 cats (that I happen to be allergic to) and die a miserable and lonely death.

When did chivalry die?  I mean, I know I’m a feminist but I am always, first and foremost, a lady.  I love a man that has manners, knows how to behave with people so that they are comfortable and at ease.  This is such an important life skill for any social interaction you will have in your life, why wouldn’t you learn good manners?!  

What NOT to say to a girl on a date...

I won't go into too many details but here's what not to say or do to a girl when you are out with her on a date:

• Why did you cut your bangs?  They looked so nice before i.e. like two years ago when you had just met me..and was it really necessary to continue to return to this subject for the duration of the night?!
• Mention one of my friend's ex-girlfriends and then allude to possibly having slept with her (note: this will ruin ANY chance you would ever even fathom to have to me having any physical contact with you at all - even a hug is definitely NOT happening.  Gross.
• Text your super awesome friends that are clearly having more fun than you are right now (although probably not since they are texting) ALL NIGHT!  Really, are things that important that you need to literally stare at your phone for five whole minutes in the conversation?
• I hate striped shirts.  I mean, you didn't know before so it's cool but yeah I can't stand striped shirts.  This while I have my brown and cream striped sweater on.  That was nice of you. Next time let me TEXT you about what I should wear!
• Please don't force any date to answer where she would rate your physical appearance on a scale of 1 - 10 during the conversation.  This is incredibly awkward and irrelevant and just goes to reinforce how much you are thinking about yourself and trying to stroke your ego the whole time.  Especially as my opinion based on your personality gets lower and lower throughout the night.

So Jen, this sounds pretty awful, why did you let it continue for so long?

I had fun after a few glasses of wine talking shit to this guy.  Sometimes I do that.  Anyway, I hope we can be friends although if he ever reads this not sure if that will be possible. Let's hope he thinks I'm funny and goes with it.  

Advice FROM THE FUTURE!

Dear Jen last night,

This is future Jen from this morning.  Please listen to my following suggestions prior to drinking Makers Mark like it's water and you're in the middle of the desert.

1. Dead baby jokes are not a good conversation starter with every single boy you find attractive.  STOP bringing it up. 
2. Hooking up your i-pod to the bar's sound system and dancing to Le Tigre by yourself isn't as cool as you thought it was last night...oh and look someone took pictures.  Future Jen from this morning had to do a lot of begging and bribing and other unsavory things to get those pictures back..
3. I know I said no dead baby jokes already but I really want to make sure you get this through your head.
4. Apparently, you lie a lot when you're drunk.  Apparently, you also gave your real number to someone who just texted you "I'd love to hear more about your recent trip to Thailand and the elephants.."  WHAT?!  a)Who did you give your number to and why would you give them your number when God knows what else you made up about yourself? b) Thailand?  Elephants?!?!  SERIOUSLY?!?  Future Jen is super pissed off right now.
5. You need to pick better wingmen/wingwomen for this type of thing.  Your wingman last night sat across from you and your new friends telling everyone that they "were so young and beautiful"  all night while you were telling dead baby jokes.  It was doomed from the start.

Happy as a clam, weren't you?  Before the madness..

In conclusion, my dearest Jen from last night, you were a mess last night, but from all the hilarious and slightly weird texts from this morning it seems like it was a fun night.  Just don't do it again.

Love,

Jen FROM THE FUTURE!

The Awkwardness of Dating

So I've never really dated before, that is to say that I've been in long-term relationships for most of my adult life that somehow magically happened without having to go through the whole "dating ritual."

It's a foreign concept.  It's awkward.  It's let's go out to dinner to evaluate whether you would be a good incubator for my spawn. Or let's do something incredibly cheesy like go ice-skating to measure whether I could potentially spend my whole life with you.

Call me cold and unromantic, but I'm just not into that type of thing.  I don't like premises, I don't like expectations, I don't like feeling measured or judged, but sadly, I love men.

What a dilemma.

Here are some quotes from my favorite artists that I think about when I think about dating:

I was afraid to be alone
Now I'm scared that’s how I'd like to be
All these faces none the same
How can there be so many personalities?

-Azure Ray

Promise me we won’t go into the nightclub

I really don’t think it’s our scene

What kind of people go to meet people

 in a place you can’t be heard or seen?

-The Be Good Tanyas

The one person who really knows me best

Says I’m like a cat

The kind that you just can’t pick up and throw onto your lap

The kind that doesn’t mind being held

But only when it’s her idea

The kind that feels what she decides to feel

When she is good and ready to feel it.

-Ani DiFranco