Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Weekend Confession


I left town without really telling anyone so it wasn’t a huge surprise that my family kept calling me.  Nor was it surprising, considering the circumstances, that I didn’t answer.

People have a tendency to fear what they don’t understand and I’d be hard pressed to explain to my Catholic family how important it was for me to be present at a sweat lodge ceremony in St. Louis, Missouri the weekend before I move.

But, remember how I promised to be more honest?  In efforts to demystify my spiritual excursions and to gain understanding and respect for my beliefs and practices I’d like to share something I’ve never shared publicly before.

The sweat lodge is a native American/indigenous ritual of purification.  This purification comes in several forms: the physical: sweating out toxins; the mental: watching that smoking mirror of consciousness; the emotional: that release of what no longer serves us and finally, the spiritual: offering prayers in the form of sweat, songs and words as a community.

I cannot do the sweat lodge justice in describing the various symbolic meanings or the precise ritual.  These things are meant to be experienced rather than read about.  Each lodge can be different depending on who is running it and what tribe they belong to.  At best, I can merely describe my own experience and what it means to me.

I placed my medicine bag on the altar after being smudged with the sweet smoke of copal.  I humbled myself on my knees and pressed my forehead to the earth before entering.  “Ometeotl,” I whispered to the earth.  The lodge was shaped like a turtle – I crawled on hands and knees clockwise with respect to the fire pit in the center before reaching my spot.  Everyone else followed suit until we were a circle symbolizing that we were all equal once we entered the earth’s womb, the temazcal.

We welcomed hot stones warmed by the morning’s fire and were sealed in complete darkness.  We prayed as the water pourer made it hotter and the air thicker. 

It is in the darkness with the support of a spiritual community that I am able to enter a different state of consciousness.  The heat induces me to see my higher self more clearly as the physical, mental and emotional toxins release from my body. 

Every time I enter the sacred temazcal I feel as though I go in a dirty towel getting dipped in water and then wrung out.  I enter so that I may become emptier of negativity and old belief systems that no longer serve me to make room to learn new truths and save space for more love and joy throughout my mind, body and spirit. 

In this type of belief system we honor the earth.  We ask the earth for wisdom and pray for her healing.  We are able to see more clearly that the damage that is done to her is done to ourselves.  The damage we do to each other is harm done to ourselves.  We learn to be more conscious of ourselves and of our actions through the lodge. 

I leave you with a beautiful poem and apologies to my family for disappearing.  I’ll tell you where I’m going next time.  I promise.  J
 

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Freedom Prayer


Feel the itch to
Shed some old skin
Live in the transformation
Let the Serpent back in
Watch as it coils around you
Until you can’t breathe

Your bones begin to crack
While your gender, age, height, race…
Those defining characteristics
Begin to deconstruct as your body condenses
Wrapped in the coils tight
The Serpent then begs the question
Of your identity
Before swallowing you whole

You’d be surprised just how seductive
That kiss of death could be
It strikes at you quickly
Without warning
Leaving you forever changed
The old you was far too safe
Too boring
Death comes in to set you free

Pray.

I am not my body
I am not my past
I am not my religion
I am not my sex
I am not my eyes
I am not my university
I am not my career
I am not my family
I am not even my poetry

If you could only remember
Death sits behind your left shoulder
What’s worth fighting for?
What’s left to cling to?
Comes a time
That you just can’t carry it around anymore

I pray to the Crows
Scavengers of the sky
I offer my body
If only to free my soul
Open my pumping heart
Satisfy their thirst
I am but my Father’s daughter
Came into this world with no possessions
This is all I have to offer

Tired of clinging to a false sense of autonomy
Freedom is the unhinged and unsecured
A floating leaf; subject to God’s will
The Wind’s doing
I’d lay naked before Her

This is how I pray

Lay bare enticing the Serpents, Crows
And Wind to come to me
I smoke the tobacco for all my relations
The animals too

Om

Aho

Hallelujah

And if I could strip down
Be delivered an empty vessel
For Spirit to live through
I would

Surrender completely
And watch how the Serpent saves you
A transmutation of DNA
An evolution of grandiose proportions
Don’t let the fear of death hold you back

For self preservation means nothing
Compared to this final sacrifice
I will never be anything more;
Anything less;
Than this.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Taking the Leap: Leap Year 2012


“People have (with the help of conventions) oriented all their solutions toward the easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must hold to what is difficult; everything alive holds to it, everything in Nature grows and defends itself in its own way and is characteristically and spontaneously itself, seeks at all costs to be so and against all opposition.  We know little, but that we must hold to what is difficult in a certainty that will not forsake us; it is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it.”

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Full excerpt here.

I’ve been meditating on Rilke’s words a lot.  People do have a tendency towards the easiest path.  We tend to like what we are good at and build up those strengths while neglecting our weaker skills and compensating with our strengths because it’s easy.
Crow Pose
I’m horrible at yoga.  (I know, I know, how can anyone be horrible at yoga?  It’s the most noncompetitive form of physical activity in existence, but I am!)  I’m awkward and completely lack the grace that most yoginis have when flowing into poses.  Sometimes I still confuse my left with my right, I fall out of balance and my crow has repeatedly kissed the earth and not in a good way.

So, clearly, I should become a yoga teacher, right?!  Totally!

I can never just wade into the water and gradually go in; I’ve got to dive in each time.  As such, I just handed in my expensive nonrefundable deposit this past week towards a yoga teacher training certification program – equivalent to getting a Bachelor’s in Yoga and now there is no going back.

Back in February, I thought about how 2012 is a Leap Year and then I stumbled upon this Leap Year project site and wanted something to contribute.  I think this is it.  My training begins this September and goes until my 29th birthday in February.  I’ve done some pretty wild things in my life from living with wolves to fasting for 40 days to being a full time solo wanderer unsure of where I’d lay my head the next night, but I have to say I think this is the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

I’ve never been much of an athlete and my relationship with my body, though it has evolved thanks to my yoga practice, has been a tumultuous one.  Committing myself to teaching a physical practice to others is incredibly intimidating and scary, yet I absolutely feel it is the next step in my own personal evolution.

I’m diving into the difficult, wrapping myself around my weaknesses and hoping to come out of this a better human, or in the least, knowing my right from my left.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

We Found Love in a Hopeless Place...


I was out with some friends hitting up various nighttime establishments.  At the end of the night, I wound up at this upscale lounge; the type that has bottle service and the women’s skirts barely cover their behind wearing shoes they can barely walk in not to mention dance in.  Not my type of joint, generally speaking, but a kind stranger handed my friend and I a vodka cranberry each as we walked in so we thought we’d go with the flow and make the best of it.


That is until I went into the restroom and overheard the conversation.  Some young woman was discussing getting her third boob job and I looked at the bathroom attendant and whispered into her ear: “I’m so sorry you have to listen to this bullshit all night.”  She chuckled and I went back upstairs.

I found my friend and then the exit and as I am waiting for a cab the bathroom attendant comes out and she thanked me for what I said; that it was hard to hear these women complain about their lives sometimes and that her best friend just lost a baby yesterday and that she was just so tired…

All I could do was hug a stranger on some street corner at 2:30 a.m. as my only reply.