Showing posts with label The Feminine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Feminine. Show all posts

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Freedom Prayer


Feel the itch to
Shed some old skin
Live in the transformation
Let the Serpent back in
Watch as it coils around you
Until you can’t breathe

Your bones begin to crack
While your gender, age, height, race…
Those defining characteristics
Begin to deconstruct as your body condenses
Wrapped in the coils tight
The Serpent then begs the question
Of your identity
Before swallowing you whole

You’d be surprised just how seductive
That kiss of death could be
It strikes at you quickly
Without warning
Leaving you forever changed
The old you was far too safe
Too boring
Death comes in to set you free

Pray.

I am not my body
I am not my past
I am not my religion
I am not my sex
I am not my eyes
I am not my university
I am not my career
I am not my family
I am not even my poetry

If you could only remember
Death sits behind your left shoulder
What’s worth fighting for?
What’s left to cling to?
Comes a time
That you just can’t carry it around anymore

I pray to the Crows
Scavengers of the sky
I offer my body
If only to free my soul
Open my pumping heart
Satisfy their thirst
I am but my Father’s daughter
Came into this world with no possessions
This is all I have to offer

Tired of clinging to a false sense of autonomy
Freedom is the unhinged and unsecured
A floating leaf; subject to God’s will
The Wind’s doing
I’d lay naked before Her

This is how I pray

Lay bare enticing the Serpents, Crows
And Wind to come to me
I smoke the tobacco for all my relations
The animals too

Om

Aho

Hallelujah

And if I could strip down
Be delivered an empty vessel
For Spirit to live through
I would

Surrender completely
And watch how the Serpent saves you
A transmutation of DNA
An evolution of grandiose proportions
Don’t let the fear of death hold you back

For self preservation means nothing
Compared to this final sacrifice
I will never be anything more;
Anything less;
Than this.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Evolution of Beauty


“Youth is beauty, money is beauty, beauty is beauty sometimes…”
-Ani DiFranco

We are brought up in a society that values the physical beauty of a woman sometimes more than other attributes such as intelligence, sensitivity, artistic ability or athleticism.  Often times women who are first or second generation in the U.S. fare worse with this because our active mother/father cultures tend to be more misogynistic. 

But you knew this.  You went to high school and you remember who the pretty popular people were, right?  They weren’t super cool because they had a bad case of acne.

We all know that story so I won’t tell it here.  What I do want to share is this: I am less concerned with being pretty; I want to be powerful. 

I’m not talking power in the western sense i.e. political power.  I’m talking the power of knowing yourself and your own merits without having to have anyone else validate them.  I’m talking about the power to know that your legs will carry you through rough roads because you’re strong and finding the beauty in that even if it doesn’t look like a postcard.  I’m talking about evolution. 

Know thyself, friends.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Conversations with the Maya: 2012

My favorite Mayan site: Yaxchilan

"Hola Yenni!" A bicycle zooms past me as I walk back to town in the dark.  It´s the fisherman I met earlier that day.

"Whoa you scared me!" I exclaim.
"Haha, I know. That´s what I do." He says chuckling as he rides away.
I was on my way back to town after having visited a friend of a friend who lived on the island.

"You have to meet Ángel.  He knows so much about the Maya.  You two would have a lot to talk about."  Eli told me the night before I decided to spend my final days in Mexico on this tiny little island called Isla Holbox.

She had told me where he worked so I decided to go and introduce myself to him.

"Hola, is Ángel here?" I asked the waiter in the crisp white dress shirt.
"Yes, in the kitchen, just one moment."

A few moments later I see him.  He doesn't look like a shaman's son who has the answers to all my questions about the Maya.  Instead, he looks like a Rastafarian.  He has three long dreads in the back of his head while the rest of his hair is black and wavy.  His eyes look peaceful and sleepy with an inverted moon-like shape.  His nose gives away some modern day Mayan blood and he wears a fitted beige long sleeved shirt with slightly loose jeans.  He is younger than I thought, not much older than me, late 20s maybe.

"Hi, I'm Yenni.  My friend, Eli, told me I'd find you here.  She said that you know a great deal about the Maya, and I'm really interested in the Maya.  She thought it would be a good idea if you and I met."

"The Maya...What in particular interests you?"  He says while examining my face.

I had not anticipated this question.  In fact, I really hadn't thought about before coming here.  What was I thinking?  I felt so unprepared and I could feel him studying me. How often does some random American woman come to this tiny little island and look for some stranger they don't even know to ask about the Maya?  Am I crazy?  Then, on top of it, not even know what questions to ask.

"Well, everything about them interests me.  I think I am most interested in their spirituality and the Mayan calendar, the Tzolk'in." I finally say.
"I see; how long are you here for?"
"Three days."
"That's not a long time.  So what do you do?"
"I'm a writer and a traveler at the moment.  I live in Chicago."
He nods his head.  "I have to get back to work," He says glancing at the couple that just walked into the restaurant. “Come back here around 10p.m. with specific questions and we will discuss them then.”

The ancient Maya had interested me for many years.  I was intrigued with their society since studying them in anthropology classes in college.  So many things about them fascinated me: their mathematical advancements at such an early time in human history, their incredibly specific and accurate calendars, their astronomic knowledge, and their expansive civilization and modern day ruins.  They were amazing architects that were in tune with their environment and the Earth’s cycles; so much so, that they implemented many of those elements into their architectural design.

Chichen Itza

Four years ago I found myself around these parts of Mexico.  I was twenty-two years old and fresh from just graduating college.  I had planned a backpacking adventure for myself through southern Mexico, specifically the Mayan route.  I’d visited more than a dozen ruins, studied their architecture, and was wowed by the expanse of their empire.  I would spend all day at different sites noting the difference in the designs, in the Gods worshipped, in the purpose of the site.  I imagined women and men in white terra cloth trading jade and quetzal feathers.  I would envision the pyramids as they once were: colorful offerings to the Gods.  I could almost smell the copal incense smoke and see the turquoise stones ornamenting the figures of Chaac on temple walls.

Here I am again in the lands of the Maya.  I can’t seem to escape this region.  My dreams are cloaked in Mayan hieroglyphics that I can never decipher.  Were the books burning?  Did I forget the language?  In my dreams, I catch glimpses of memories I think are mine, but never quite sure.

Come back with specific questions.  His voice kept repeating this in my mind yet it was nearly 10 p.m. and my mind was a mess of Mayan words and symbols.  It was as though my head had shifted from this compartmentalized notion of a people to a hodgepodge of random thoughts fluctuating from the symbolism behind one particular God to the pronunciation of the word ‘corn’ in Mayan.

Questions..questions…so many…like where did they go? The ancient Maya are rumored to have just vanished suddenly.  Why do I feel so sick whenever I go to Chichen Itza? How did they view time? What was the obsession with the jaguar?  What did the women do in society? Why am I so obsessed with them?  Why do I keep coming back here?  Out of all the places I want to travel to like India,Thailand, Indonesia, Laos, China, why do I come back here? What is it about this place?

The time had come and I started walking back to the restaurant.

“Yenni!”  a golf cart zoomed past me.  It was Ángel.  What is it with these people and scaring me like that?  I thought to myself as I got into the golf cart.  He takes me to the beach and we sit on these chairs that lean back towards the sky.  We have a perfect view of the stars.  

“I thought about my questions,” I said.

“Good.” He replied while lighting a cigarette.  There was something about him next to me that made my mind go blank.  It wasn’t anxiety, in fact, the exact opposite of that.  My mind had turned from a hodgepodge mess of God knows what to an expansive emptiness of nothingness and tranquility.  I stared into the stars looking for words because it had seemed that the ones I had were stolen from me or lost somewhere in that moment. 

Ángel took a long drag from his cigarette and stared into the stars as though expecting nothing from me.

“Tell me about you, how do you know so much of the Maya?” I asked thinking that this question might remind me of my own.

“I am a native to these lands.  Not this island in particular but not far.  I grew up in a Mayan town here in Quintana Roo,” he said.  “My father knows many things and my aunt is a curandera and heals patients with plants and herbs.  She has taught me many things, as my father has.  We lived near many ruins and the jungle.  Our town has always been very peaceful, looking to nature for answers rather than science.  People in my town don’t go to medical doctors when they are sick; they go to my aunt." 

"I have studied with many medicine men and learned as much as possible about the curative properties of plants as well as other things…” He looked away from me and back at the sky, “We spoke Maya at home, a language that has afforded me many lessons from the shamans in my village and other Mayan villages.  I have learned from those men who still keep the count in the Mayan calendar.  Unfortunately, my town is not so small anymore and much is being forgotten.  No one cares about the teachings anymore.  I fear they will die unless the young people come together to help preserve them.”

“What will happen in 2012 when the long count Mayan calendar ends?” I ask.

He took a long sigh.  “I cannot tell you this.  I do not know, what I do know is that the Maya have had four such endings before in the Tzolk'in.  They symbolized an ending to their worlds as they were but not an end to the world as a whole as many people say.  After all, we do know the Maya persevered and continued recording their history.  In many ways, the endings are symbolic of a specific age for them.  They utilized astronomy a great deal in this calendar.  There will be a cosmic event occurring on the 21st of December in 2012 that is rare and has not occurred in a very long time.  Many of my teachers have said that this event will pave the way for the feminine within the earth to assume more power.  The feminine, after all, symbolizes nurturing.  Women feed the children and care for the families.  Many teachers say that this is necessary because the Maya regard the Earth as a female deity since she does many of these things for us: feeding us, clothing us, nurturing us...and now she is threatened by pollution and man is no longer in synch with her.  She must regain power.”
Caracol

“Remember though, Yenni,” he said, “To the Maya, time was always cyclical and not linear like it is in our society. That is why in Chichén Itzá the observatory from which they observed the stars was called ‘caracol.’” ‘Caracol’ means spiral Conch shell. Its shape can be best described like a snail’s shell. “Their sense of time had much to do with the stars as did their calendars. The caracol was sacred to them because of its shape.”

I stared at the stars wondering if this was the same sky the Ancient Maya looked at. “It’s getting late,” he said, “how about we continue this conversation over breakfast tomorrow?”

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Goddesses and me - a journey through cycles

Viene todo a su tiempo…

Youth is fleeting.  I’ll be 27 in February and for whatever reason, 27 has a special significance for me.  To me it wasn’t 18 that represented true adulthood or even 25.  It was 27.

Slowly, I’m beginning to realize how precious time is.  I have no idea where this year went.  The fall always seems to fly by so quickly particularly because it’s my favorite season.  Then comes the winter; it springs to summer and then fall again.  I’m beginning to understand cycles in a way I’ve never known.  Even the cycles in my own body as a woman, my emotional ups and downs are becoming increasingly easier to predict, so now, in the dead of winter of my mind, staring out at the icy blue patches of ice across my driveway I remember the smell of green grass and the sight of trees budding.  What goes up will come down eventually and furthermore what comes down has nowhere else to go but up.

Following the change in the season I am reminded of the life/death/life cycle that women used to know so well.  Women used to be in charge of the dead in ancient societies.  They would not only birth new life, but they would know when to let go of life, having intimate knowledge of the life/death/life cycles.  Just as there is a time for birth, for living, there is also a time for death.  There would be no life without death, no light without dark, no forward without backward and no future without past.  There is an ebb and flow to life that cannot be realized without embracing Death. 
Coatlicue
I think of Coatlicue, the Aztec goddess of death and rebirth.  How ominous is she who destroys life?  How beautiful is she who creates it. Women in many ways live with this duality. 

In some Native American cultures women are not allowed to participate in ceremonies when they are menstruating because they are considered too powerful.  The menstruation is a symbol of a woman’s power to destroy life. 
Isis
I remember the story of Isis– the Egyptian Goddess – birthing life from death through her love with the ability to create something from nothing.

So as I wander through this earthly existence starting to feel older and more grown up I am reminded of Grace that exists in all stages and that viene todo a su tiempo (everything comes at its time).   I am thankful for all stages of womanhood, not just my youth, but great gifts are given at all ages.  I will not fear crow’s feet around my eyes; I will thank the Crows for their wisdom.  I will let the white take over the black of my hair as a symbol of my duality – reminding me that Death approaches with every breath and that fact gives me more reason to live a fuller life.  I will embrace the power of my cycles allowing my blood to remind me of my ability to create new life.  There is a reason we are affiliated with the moon - her cycles from full to new to full again every 28 days resonates through a woman's body.  I am but la hija de la luna, the moon's daughter learning from my my mother.


I leave you with this fantastic song I wrote this blog listening to:


Thursday, October 7, 2010

Travel Tales: Lessons from the Ocean



A few months back I was backpacking through Oaxaca after a long Chicago winter and some lovely adventures through the chilly mountains of San Jose del Pacifico.

 Finally, we arrived at the beach.  I was so excited to smell the salty breeze, watch the endless blue waves colliding and feel the soft sand beneath my feet.  After a five hour drive from the mountains I was ready for a swim.

Oaxaca is not known for its beaches to tourists largely because of its huge waves.  It is, however, known as a hot spot for surfers.

Excited and brash as I was, I ran into the ocean swimming past the surfers with such rigor you’d have thought I was in a race.  I wanted to get to that spot in the ocean where the waters are calm and everything in front of you is as never-ending as the blue sky on a clear day.   My best friend and adventure partner, Kristin, was back on the beach and dusk was quickly approaching; I started to swim back to shore.

Nearing the shoreline I didn’t feel content enough with swimming past the surfers.  My soul yearned for another adventure with the ocean and when I saw the wave coming I knew how to pursue it.  My feet were touching the oceans floor barely and then comfortably as the tide washed ashore.  The next thing I knew I jumped and the ten-foot wave pulled me under.

Immediately my body hurled and tossed about violently – I thrashed around trying to break the ocean’s surface.  I felt as thought I had been punched in the throat, esophagus and the very pit of my stomach all at once.  I was in survival mode and I don’t remember much other than somehow surfacing, heaving heavily and in a complete state of panic – fearful that breath would never return to my body fully.

A Spanish couple came to my aid asking if I was alright.  I of course, embarrassed and clinging despartely to my autonomy, lied and said I was fine.  The ocean had just caught my off guard (translation:  I almost fuckin’ died and am majorly freaking out right now).  They then told me about the blood on my chin.  I rinsed it with the salt water for them to see.  Their faces were all I needed to see to know I needed to go to a hospital.

Finally, on solid ground I searched for my friends.  Nothing is as awkward as running towards these two guys you had just met (and yet thought appropriate to travel with them in their car for the past four days) half naked and in panic holding your hand over your bloody face. 

We got back into the car as they tried to comfort me.  My best friend by my side helping me put a shirt on through my crying.  We arrived at the village doctor ten minutes later who cleaned my wound and told me I’d be needing stitches.  My gut reaction was to ask when I would be able to go back into the ocean.  He replied that I wouldn’t be able to for at least seven to ten days while the wound healed.  He also mentioned he had no thread and referred us half an hour away to the nearest hospital.

When we arrived at the hospital there was quite the line with injuries much more severe than mine.  An indigenous couple tipped us about a doctor in town who could take me right away.  Back into the car we went.  It was at this precise moment that I knew: these guys were not my new travel companions for just a couple of days, these guys were my friends. 

In town and at the doctor’s office he worked quickly and efficiently while Kristin supervised his stitch-work (I was close to having Kristin stitch me twenty minutes earlier).  I walked out bandaged up and happy to see our friends again.
A few days after getting stitched






Right before leaving Mexico City 10 days later.
This scar on my chin represents many things to me:





I am damn lucky.  At some point when you walk through a sleepy beach town with a bandage covering half your face, the locals start to recognize you.  I like talking to new people so I explained what had happened.  They then proceeded to tell me horror stories about stupid tourists, people who don’t know how to respect the ocean and how tons of visitor die each year from broken necks and drowning because of the current.    I felt much better about not being able to swim for ten days after that conversation.

Respect the Ocean!  She is far more powerful than any one person can even imagine and although she was easy on me this time I understand her power more than I did before – on a level that DEMANDS respect, fear and gratitude.

Friendship can be found in the places you least expect.  I remember before heading into the ocean being slightly nervous about leaving my wallet in the car.  How ironic that when push came to shove these boys took care of me as well or better than friends who have known me my whole life would have.
 

Friday, October 1, 2010

Infatuation or Aspiration?


I sat in my chair watching this man in action.  Confused and torn while observing his mannerisms, I was stricken by my ambivalence.  Did I want to be this man or did I simply just want him?

No, this is not the man..
Freud has often talked about the whole concept of penis envy but I had never really felt this way before.  I’ve always felt very comfortable, powerful and strong as a woman, but watching this man while he spoke to a small group made me wonder what it would be like to be him.

I fantasized about getting ready for work, buttoning my shirt, while staring at my reflection, deciding what color tie to wear: the red or the gold.  I thought about what it might be like to decide what my look was going to be: whether I’d sport a sexy stubble, clean cut shave or a manly beard.

When I was a little girl I would wake up every morning at 4:30 a.m. as my father’s alarm went off.  While he was getting ready I would crawl in bed with my mother and watch him as he put on a freshly pressed white shirt and sprayed on his cologne.  He would leave for work and I’d fall asleep in his place, the smell of cologne lingering in the room.

Fast forward twenty-one years later and I’m staring at this beautiful man wondering about his choice of cufflinks and what kind of underwear he prefers.  I thought about his morning routine, what his aftershave smells like, what washing his flat chest feels like, what thoughts swirl in his mind as he walks down the street…

It was more than a simple attraction.  I wanted to see everything through his eyes, I wanted to be in his body and feel what it’s like to sacrifice my breasts and womb space for an external life force I don’t possess.

Has anyone else ever felt this way about the opposite sex?

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Women Who Run With the Wolves

Wildlife and the Wild Woman are both endangered species.

Over time, we have seen the feminine instinctive nature looted, driven back and overbuilt.  For long periods it has been mismanaged like the wildlife and the wildlands.  For several thousand years, as soon and as often as we turn our backs, it is relegated to the poorest land in the psyche.  The spiritual lands of Wild Woman have, throughout history, been plundered or burnt, dens bulldozed, and natural cycles forced into unnatural rhythms to please others.

It's not by accident that the pristine wilderness of our planet disappears as the understanding of our own inner and wild nature fades.  It is not so difficult to comprehend why old forests and old women are viewed as not very important resources.  It is not such a mystery.  It is not so coincidental that wolves and coyotes, bears and wildish women have similar reputations.  They all share related instinctual archetypes, and as such, both are erroneously reputed to be ingracious, wholly and innately dangerous, and ravenous...

Healthy wolves and healthy women share certain psychic characteristics: keen sensing, playful spirit, and a heightened capacity for devotion.  Wolves and women are relational by nature, inquiring, possessed by a great endurance and strength.  They are deeply intuitive, intensely concerned with their young, their mates and their pack.  They are experience in adapting to constantly changing circumstances; they are fiercely stalwart and very brave.

Yet both have been hounded, harassed, and falsely imputed to be devouring and devious, overly aggressive, of less value than those who are their detractors.  They have been the targets of those who would clean up the wilds as well as the wildish environs of the psyche, extincting the instinctual, and leaving no trace of it behind.  The predation of wolves and women by those who misunderstand them is strikingly similar.


-Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.,Women Who Run With the Wolves



Thursday, August 26, 2010

Hija de la Luna - theme



In honor of tonight's full moon...

I am having a love affair with the moon
How I wish I could make her grow round and swollen at will
She births my creativity – longing and desire illuminated under her soft gaze
She can swell up slowly until so full she might burst, then a gradual deflation, like sighing.
Exhaling softly, then silent into the dark of the night.
I will write her my poetry and sing her essence as wolves howl their praise,
As the frogs gleam a tinted green, while oceans reflect her full splendor.
I am silent and still, humbled to bear witness to her cycles
In sync with my own, what is it to grow? 
I am but only her mere daughter birthing nothing more than words.