The Yoga Project: Calming the Monkey Mind

I was going strong having done yoga for 13 days straight but I was going crazy.  I hadn’t been able to see my boyfriend or friends for more than a week (and I live alone – so when I say going crazy, I mean it literally – all work and no play make Jen Jen cray cray).  I was getting home at 10 each night and leaving by 7:30 a.m.  I felt exhausted.

It dawned on me that the point of yoga isn’t to drain your vitality but rather to replenish it.  In conclusion, I’m planning on doing yoga as much as I can without burning out or losing the point of this exercise which was to integrate more yoga in my life and develop a regular practice.  That being said, I’m planning on practicing at least five times a week or so.

Now that the technicalities are out of the way, let’s get to what it’s been like on the mat for the past couple of weeks. 

I’m learning and relearning so many things like what it is to really breathe or how to sit up straight to remembering promises I made to myself as a child that are no longer useful to me.  Engaging in a yoga practice so aggressively (bet you never thought you’d hear yoga and aggressive in the same sentence, huh?) is no joke.  There are days where I just can’t get with it – the teacher says left and I go right, my downward dog looks like a pathetic panting puppy and I’m not feeling so zen towards my instructor. 

Then there are other days where practice seems to flow so gracefully.  I do a pose I’ve never been able to do before.  My breathing stays consistent with my movement and shivasana (corpse pose) feels as though I’ve entered into a magical realm between dreamscapes and reality while conscious.

Last night, I would not allow myself to enjoy my yoga class for whatever reason.  I was having a really off night.  During these off nights I feel as though I learn the most about myself and my old thought processes and patterns.  For instance, you decide you’re good at hip openers but bad at core work so you avoid the core work and at some point you realize that you are deciding it all and not allowing yourself to be open to the experience.  Instead of opening up, you then become your mother’s voice in your head telling yourself that everything you do sucks and that of course you’ll never get into the poses that the tiny girls right next to you get into and of course you’ll never be strong enough to sink that knee fully into Warrior pose then you REMEMBER.  You remember that you’re in control, and that you love yourself and your body and are thankful it can take your knees halfway in warrior and that you can get into that one bind that you couldn’t do last week. 

Yoga reminds me of Aztec danza – for every step to the right there is a step to the left and they call themselves warriors, not because they participate in bloodshed, but because they battle themselves in the danza.  I often feel as though I am battling my mind on the mat and I wonder: which half will win tonight?  The overly critical dark half that leaves me wounded and crying or the compassionate light half that allows me to feel the joy within my body and accepts me always as I am.

More to come on my yoga journey.

Namaste

The Yoga Project: The Beginning of my Destruction (Day 4)

Something happened to me in class tonight.  Yoga happened.  (dun dun dun – insert melodramatic orchestra here).

I left class crying and feeling defeated.  It will take more than a simple blog-post to fully comprehend what is happening to me.  I believe it's transformation.

The word “transformation” seems to be this ethereal new age term that cannot be explained in a pragmatic manner.  That is precisely how I feel about my strong emotional reaction to a physical practice.  Yoga is hard, much more difficult than many things that I’ve done and emotionally, I’ve barely scratched the surface.

There is a saying about destruction being necessary in order to rebuild (rebirth).  I believe I’m currently in the destructive phase right now.  I can only hope the plans I lay out after this phase are better than what I am currently in the process of destroying.

Through this I am realizing what yoga really is.  It is a challenging practice.  It is rigorous for your mind and body.  Yoga is a mindset, it is not a destination, it is not a competition, and it is far more than I understand right now.  It is powerful.

There’s something to be said about finding your breath through the discomfort of this process and being able to hold the pose.  I feel as though I am going to be here for a while. 

The Yoga Project: Day 2

My whole body hurts.  Yes it’s only been two days of yoga but there are these muscles that I didn’t even know that I had that are hurting me.

Other than that, nothing is that challenging for the first 2 days (unless you’re fasting, in which the first few days are by far the worst).  Classes, although not easy, have gone by quickly.

I did want to acknowledge one thing.  Last night when I got back from yoga class, I had a TON of energy.  Finding myself quite listless and distracted, I had to coax myself to go to bed at a reasonable hour.

At this point, I’ll go into my general background with yoga.  I started practicing yoga in 2007 and I took classes once a week for about a year.  That is the most consistently I’ve ever practiced.  Since then it’s been a class here and there but nothing completely regular for more than a couple of months.  One of my biggest hopes is to reestablish yoga as a routine in my life.

In later posts, I’ll go into the philosophy of yoga and the small nuggets of wisdom extracted from each class.  I’ll leave you with one here: last night my yoga teacher began to share his appreciation for many Republican presidential candidates.  Many yoginis began to groan in distaste (and perhaps because he was talking while we were holding a challenging position) and then he said something interesting.  He asked us to notice how easily our minds became irritated.  Then he said something completely radical: if we dislike someone else’s politics then we are not truly doing yoga. 

Something to contemplate, I suppose. 

Namaste!

The Year of the Dragon and the Yoga Project

2012 is the year of the Dragon.  I consider this good luck if only because I’m dating a Dragon.  I mean, a human born in the year of the dragon and not an actual dragon because that would be strange and possibly delusional but I digress.

I’d like to take a moment to do something that I feel I don’t do nearly enough which is allow myself some pride in my accomplishments of 2011.

As I began 2011 I was in a very different place than I am now.  I was very depressed, uncertain about my path and full of self doubt.  My health suffered as a result.  The year proved to be challenging and transformative. 

This year I found myself again after having lost myself.  I completed the extremely challenging goal of fasting for 40 days which required tremendous discipline and self control.  I regained my confidence.  I helped nonprofit organizations raise thousands of dollars for causes near and dear to my heart.  I backpacked through southern Mexico, had some great family time in California, lost forty pounds, started a new job, grew up a little bit more, became more honest to myself and finally, I found love again.

Despite these great strides I’ve made in the span of only one year, I understand that I am merely a work in progress. To reach one’s potential, one must never be fooled into thinking that she is done learning all she can learn.  I gained more from fasting for forty days then I’ve been able to convey here.  Benefits have included a healthier diet, emotional clarity and much self confidence. If I can do that through challenging myself to a consistent behavior for a period of time, what else can I do?   This has brought a new challenge to the forefront.

Having complete control over my body was great during fasting, I now desire more control over my mind.  I’ve decided to commit myself for the next 30 days to a daily yoga practice.  I plan on documenting my experience through this blog.

The reasons I’ve chosen yoga are trifold:

1. The challenge: It will be hard.  The purpose of challenging yourself is to actually do something difficult. Sadly, I've never done ANY exercise consistently for 30 days.  This will be demanding on my body, mind and schedule.
2. Nourishment of self as habit: daily yoga allows me the opportunity to pursue nourishment for my body, soul and mind.  Yoga is a rigorous practice that demands meditation, movement and time.  Making time for myself in this way is a constant statement in my psyche telling me that I’m worth it.
3. The benefits: I’m only human and that vegan chocolate cake I baked for New Year’s was fantastic!  My hope is that I become stronger, gain more energy,  lose some pounds, gain more clarity and maintain a regular practice when I am done.

For the next 30 days I will:

• Attend a yoga class DAILY (classes are generally 1.5 hours each)
• Blog about my experience on a regular basis
• Neglect my family and friends for yoga (sorry guys, but this is likely)

Happy New Year and Namaste!

Poltical Manifesto

I know people who believe being patriotic means listening to all the messages the media sends us.  It means embracing capitalism in its current form, enjoying steak and potatoes and apple pie and supporting any big business because after all, corporations are so American.

I know people that are afraid to say what they really want to say when it comes to politics because they fear the repercussions on their career, status and circle of friends.  I felt fooled into that role for a minute and then I remembered what it was to be an American in the light of this mass movement: Occupy Wall Street.

Being American means you have a right to an opinion, a voice and the right to protest your government when you believe they are wrong. 

I’m not going to pretend to be intimately involved with the movement.  I’m not and in fact, only recently have I begun to pay attention.  What’s so unique about this movement is that it’s not a movement based on a single issue, but rather on the greater discontent of society as a whole.  It’s a multi-generational movement and yet I can understand those Gen Yers out there the most.

I was born in 1984.  I came of age in a period of disillusionment.  I have few friends that didn’t owe at least 15 grand by the time they were 22 and shot into the “real world” without much cushioning and consistent calls from loan collectors.  I was born into a world of shifting powers and globalization all of which contributed to my worldview.

This however, does not hinder my vision of the world I’d like to live in.  I thought I would breathe some life into this vision and share it with you.  Rather than say what is wrong with society, which I think we have a tendency to do too often, I am going to write what I’d like to see.  Politicians – take note:

1.      .  I want the people we elect to office to look more like real Americans.  This means they have average American salaries (the real average, not the congressional average which is NINE TIMES that of an American).  This of course, means that there must be political reform as to how we run our elections which can cost up to millions of dollars in media buys, marketing and staffing.   I want our politicians not just to mirror Americans economically but also racially and by gender as well.  I want more parity in our elected officials because I don’t believe I can be represented by a 65 year old millionaire white male. 
2.         I want universal health care for all.  How do we do this from a budget standpoint?  Here’s a suggestion: invest in holistic health care practitioners that address the underlying problem rather than the symptoms.  All healthcare practitioners should prescribe as much preventative medicine as possible.  This however, cannot happen if people cannot afford to get regular check-ups.  We are the ONLY industrialized nation in the WORLD that does not have universal health care for its people.  What does that say about the priorities of one of the richest countries in the world if it can’t even invest in the health of its people?
3.         I want less spending on war and more investment in green technology, education and small businesses.  It becomes a huge problem when the military industrial complex becomes far more powerful than the citizens, something I fear has already happened in our country. 
4.         I want my future children (if I have them – still concerned about the world’s overpopulation issue – largest threat on earth to mother earth) to grow up in a better society where are differences are celebrated rather than similarities rewarded.  What I mean by that is for people to stop talking about diversity and to live it; this means more diverse individuals in positions of power as authors, politicians, business leaders etc.
5.          I want a lot less sexism in every single media outlet worldwide.
6.          I want a lot less sexism in every single boardroom worldwide.
7.          I want the farming industry to stop putting chemicals in the soil.
8.          I want any animal farmed for its flesh to live full lives where they roam free, see sun, and eat what they are intended to eat i.e. cows eating grass instead of being force-fed corn which they can’t digest, etc. and killed with compassion for their being.  I want the FDA to regulate HUMANE practices across the board.  As Gandhi said: “The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.”  
9.           More than anything, I want my American peers to rise up and do something about what they see wrong in this world.  That is what inspires me the most about Occupy Wall Street.  People standing up for what they believe in is what our nation is built on.  It’s not shopping malls and mass consumerism; it’s not corn-fed cows and hormone injected chickens, it is democracy.  This nation is built on the belief that majority rules and that belief is being challenged by the tiny minority.  I don’t want to live in a country where everyone is too comfortable, stagnant and placated on their i-pads and playstations anymore.  I demand much more.

Thank you to the OWS movement for the inspiration!  Everyone else, do with this, what you will and take action – join a movement, go vegan, spend less time watching television and more time campaigning for issues close to your heart.  Donate time or money to what you believe in and leave this world better than when you came into it. 

Love,

Jen

A patriotic American Citizen

The Medium is the Message

Your smile by candlelight

Is the most beautiful thing I’ve seen

I tell you everything

That pops into my head

A thousand jesters think

My brain is the best scene

To host crazy surprise parties

They even bring those crazy, tiny jalopies

And there’s the sad clown

Sitting in the corner – ever present

Cause he just can’t get with it

I don’t know how to take it slow

I don’t do casual or the shallow

I’m a deep diver, ocean expert

Equipped with enough oxygen

And curiosity to get us pretty far

When there’s something more

I mean to tell you

Is when at which precise moment

My oxygen supply gets cut

My larynx feels a tug while

That stupid sad clown screams

One too many cautionary tales

Broken hearts scattered through interstates

Restaurant tables and even by candlelight

Oh, but I know this feeling so well

I can ID it with both my eyes closed

Breathless, mouth open so slight

Awaiting your wet kiss

Yes, I know exactly what this is

I am withholding pertinent information

From those eyes; fear does its thing

Constantly tugging at my sleeve

Because 3 words make a 3-sided anchor

And despite my weightlessness with you

I may never come back up again

1000 loud and mocking jesters

Rendered silent

Deep sea divers died for much less

My eyes speak for themselves now

For I am speechless

The Abortion Expert

The title of this poem came from an open mic that I go to sometimes.  This kid came up to me and said "Hey I loved your stuff especially that 'abortion expert' poem."  I couldn't figure out the right title for this one so it just stuck.

The Abortion Expert

A heart can never be happy unless it’s free

Cause love only bends it, breaks it, scars it deeply

And a girl like me is always twice as reckless

Until her heart’s left beaten and twisted; her mind callous

I never learn from my mistakes – instead I wait until

I’m out from the mend then seek new ways to bend, beat, break

That which just healed, that which I just felt recuperate

You’re the last person I wanted to see; your smile an indication

Of everything I needed to avoid and instead I got undressed

Left you nothing except what lies under my chest

I want to train my body’s reaction to the butterflies at first kiss

I want to kill them dead before there’s time to reminisce

Then I want to ignore the beautiful massacre that just took place

Butterflies wings now dust while I sit wiping kisses off my face

I want to walk into gardens alone to unplant all seeds

Like an abortion expert – killing things before there’s time to breathe

This is an ode to those who can turn hearts to stone

Please stop it, paralyze it, freeze it, as hard as bone

I’ve loved too many yet the only one I’ve ever slept with is the Devil

And now he won’t stop calling; my body hypnotized, responding

I answer every time ‘cause it still gets lonely.

It still gets lonely...